06 December, 2009


this post actually has nothing to do with ketchup, more so with the task of catching my readers up. it's been a while since i've last written - my apologies, my life has seemed more chaotic in the past month than it has been in a while. i was sick with a bad flu for about two weeks and still feel like i haven't fully gained my strength back. right after my flu symptoms subsided, my grandmother passed away quite suddenly. i wasn't very close to her for most of my life, though after coming out to her this summer, i was able to reconnect with her. we corresponded via snail mail for about four months before her passing. while i feel saddened by her passing, i feel joy in the fact that i listened to myself, came out to her and thus was able to reconnect with her. for me it has been amazing to have my two grandmothers react so incredibly well to my coming out - they have reacted better than anyone in my family, even my immediate family. while the understanding of my situation may not be there, i know that both of my grandmothers still love/loved me for me.

i was quite anxious about attending my grandmother's funeral because i had not seen my father's side of the family since coming out to then. on top of this i only heard from one cousin when i did come out to then last november, so i was unsure of how my family would act towards me. upon arriving at the funeral home my brother and i met one of my dad's cousins in the parking lot. she remembered my brother right away, but of course not me. so i introduced myself and her response was: "i'm sorry i don't understand the connection...". she walked away very confused. when we entered the funeral home she came up to us and stated again that she was confused and didn't understand the connection, whereupon my aunt came up and said: "this is lucas [last name], nathan's brother and larry's son, he was formally [female name]...". this woman, my dad's cousin, actually reacted very well - like this was a fact, like that was that and there was nothing more to it, nothing to dispute, nothing to think badly of. i was really surprised my aunt had advocated for me - i really had no idea what to say to my dad's cousin, i've never encountered such a direct situation before! afterwards, my aunt starting crying and apologized she never responded to my coming out letter - she said she didn't know what to say. she continued that my grandmother had actually yelled at her for not saying anything to me! and then she welcomed me to the family. i was shocked that she had actually said something to me and that my grandmother had yelled at her! what an amazing grandmother! i suppose death puts many things in perspective.

an amusing side-story to this whole story was that my brother and i stayed together at my other grandmother's apartment during the funeral. i suppose no one ever bothered to show my brother how to tie a tie (really dad?!). so i, the younger brother, the brother who just learned how to tie a tie two years ago, was the one who tied my brother's tie the entire time! i asked my dad about this (as my brother is almost 30!) and he chalked it up to bad motor skills - highly doubtful! i attempted to teach him how to do it himself, but time constraints required me to actually tie it for him.

another side-story was that my brother and i were asked to be pallbearers (one who carries the casket - directly to the cemetery or to and from the hearse). i wasn't surprised because when my grandfather had passed away several years ago, he had asked all of his grandchildren to be pallbearers - so i had assumed that this was the case this time. this was clearly not the case this time - it was in fact only men (my brother, my male cousins and my uncles). i'm unsure if the pallbearer is a traditionally male role. i was actually very surprised - i certainly hit the ground running with my family. this is true validation for my transition from my family.

so, that's that for now.


16 November, 2009

small victories and updates

today, in the mail, i received my undergraduate diploma....with the correct name on it (granted i graduated over two years ago)! i'm looking at it now, having a hard time believing it was that easy to have my request fulfilled. i had a lot of trouble with the registrar's office in the past with my name change. at first they wouldn't change it and gave me some phony excuse and then when i persisted they said a "glitch" had changed my name in their system...go figure. so when i had sent out my paperwork to request a duplicate diploma, i was a bit nervous about receiving a diploma with my old name on it. i guess they decided to cooperate this time!

this past friday (november 13) i hit my 1.5 year mark for being on testosterone and i feel great! i haven't been working out as much as i would like to, though it takes little for my muscles to begin to bulk up. friends of mine continue to comment on how skinny i look, though i don't think they realize that my body fat has redistributed giving the illusion that i have lost a lot of weight. i may have lost a few pounds, but nothing significant. my body hair is out of control and continues to take over. my facial hair, however, is taking its sweet time - it is continuing to grow, though just much slower than the rest of my hair.

it has also been about a year (november 4, 2008) since my initial top surgery and about three months since my revision (august 4, 2009). my chest is feeling great and i am slowly beginning to get back into serious workout mode. i am also beginning to get more and more feeling back - though this sensation is quite awkward and sometimes is slightly painful. it is hard to believe that it has been a year and a half and a year since beginning t and having my top surgery. often times it feels like much more time has passed. each day is a new day with lessons, journeys, adventures and i am thankful for every step and every opportunity.

pre-t versus 1.5 years

12 days post-op (initial) versus 1 year post-op (3 months post-op revision)

11 November, 2009

images of a man

i've been thinking lately about images, ideas, stereotypes of men. the first insight i've noticed is that the image i have of myself in my head is very different from my actual image - the image the public sees. i definitely think looking ambiguous for so long has had a large impact on this image because while i know i look male, i look a lot less male in my head. i can still see pieces of my female self in my face when i look in the mirror - i don't necessarily anticipate never being able to see that person again when i look in the mirror, though i worry that others will see that female side. why all of the worry?! i keep telling myself to have patience, to give myself time to grow and change. it does get frustrating though when i know and feel like a mature man in his mid-twenties, but my body is still playing catch-up.

second insight i've come upon is how this frustration impacts my physical expectations of my own body. when i get frustrated with my body i often day dream about maturing into a tall, muscular, bearded man. while i know that i have some control over my body - being muscular and in shape - there are other things such as my height and my facial hair that i have no control over. it's really just a matter of accepting the things i cannot control. while i am a man, i am not a "typical" man...maybe more like man born from extraordinary circumstances. i am constantly reminding myself that this is the body i was born into and that there is only so much i can change physically - the other changes have to occur upstairs, in my mind.

along with all of this, i do not regret the fact that i was born into a female body (i'll explore the phrase "born into the wrong body" later...). while this body has brought upon many struggles and difficulties, it has also allowed me to experience life in a way that many other people do not get to experience. i have lived in many worlds and spectrums and have been fortunate enough to live and grow from all of these perspectives. i am a collection of perspectives, life experiences, journeys, identities, ideas, perceptions and am intelligent enough to realize how learning from the past, taking from the past, dealing with life as it has been dealt to me, understanding and having an awareness of what i can and cannot control is the only way in my personal journey i can come to a sense of peace.


27 October, 2009

why blog?

i recently received a comment from a new reader (thanks!), which helped me remember why i blog. i remember back before i had a blog, i felt incredibly alone and lost. transitioning felt pretty much impossible and mystifying. and then i stumbled upon someone's blog and life and transitioning felt a little lighter and actually possible - here was someone actually taking the steps i wanted to take. i saw that transitioning was possible and life as a trans person was possible. and then things began to fall into place for me and i began my own blog.

why not blog? we are each living incredibly unique journeys - blogging can be a way to celebrate the diversity of each individual's journey. personally, i feel it is important to relate my experiences as a trans person for several reasons:
(1) to inspire within others an awareness and understanding of trans-related experiences
(2) to demystify trans experiences
(3) to "clear up" any stereotypes of trans folks
(4) to let other trans folks know there are more of us out there
(5) to support the trans community
(6) to educate both trans and cis-gender folks
(7) to share resources
(8) to affirm my journey as a positive learning experience(s)
....the list goes on!

so to my readers (a task if you dare!):
-has reading others' blogs been helpful? why or why not?
-what, if anything, have you gotten out of reading a blog?
-why do YOU blog?


03 October, 2009

work experiences

...several things to comment on here in regards to my new position...
some of the materials i received at orientation were trans-friendly including: a youth survey where one could choose trans as a sex instead of male or female, the americorps handbook and some other americorps paper work where gender expression and identity were areas where one could not be discriminated against. i was very happy to see all of this.

i've noticed that a large, large, large percentage of the women who work for the agency i work for are gay/bi/queer. i feel at ease working with a more queer population. i figured that if anyone i work with were to accept me as a transman it would be these people...so i decided to come out to a co-worker. i really thought she and my other co-workers knew that i am trans, but lo and behold, they do not! i think my personal mental image of myself is definitely different from the public's view of me - i still see pieces of my old self. so the co-worker i came out to was really awesome and totally surprised. i'm really glad i decided to come out to her - she was open with me from the very beginning about being gay (that's not to say that i am obligated to come out to her as trans...)...though i don't feel like it's something i need or should hide. i am PROUD to be who i am and all that that encompasses. i grew up being told and seeing by example that being different, in any way, shape or form, was wrong. fuck that - diversity is beautiful, embrace yourself and all that you are.

"life is either a daring adventure or nothing. to keep our faces toward chance and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." -helen keller


29 September, 2009

product reviews

since having top surgery, i've used three products that i really like and seem to work very well, so i thought i'd spread the wealth...

-palmers skin therapy oil (with cocoa butter and vitamin e): i found this at target, but had a hard time finding it at any grocery store or drug store. it can be found and purchased online for about $10. i used this all over my chest as both a product to combat my scars and as a massage oil on other areas of my chest. i used this only after my initial surgery for about 4 months - i applied it about 5 times a week and massaged my chest for about 1 hour each time. i used this product in conjunction with scarzone cream, so i cannot necessarily attest to its effectiveness on scars, however as a massage oil it was stellar.

-scarzone cream (with green tea): i also found this product at target, but it can be found at most grocery and drug stores. it can also be found and purchased online for less than $10. i've used this (in conjunction with the palmers skin therapy oil) after both my initial and revision surgeries. i mainly apply this product once a day solely to my scars when i get out of the shower. compared to maderma scar cream, scarzone works way better. it has sunscreen (spf 15) in it which is important for scars healing properly, especially if you're going to be out in the sun. my scars are pretty minimal, so this product definitely gets my approval.

-scargo scar massage skin lotion: i found this at the natural foods store, but i haven't seen it any place else. it can also be found and purchased online for about $10. i've recently purchased this after my revision surgery and have been using it for the past month. i use this about 4-5 times a week and apply it to my scars and massage my chest/scars for about an hour each time. one particular aspect i like about this product is that it has all natural ingredients. i've been using this on my scars and as a massage oil and so far i have nothing to complain about. while my revision surgery wasn't as significant as my initial surgery, i have been healing very nicely.

has anyone else used these products? what are you thoughts on these if you used them? does anyone have any other products to recommend?


19 September, 2009

anxiety and frustration

this week was my first week of orientation and training for my service with americorps. all in all the week went well and i'm feeling good about my placement. i was however fairly anxious most of the week with meeting tons of new people. while i know that i am perceived as male now (i cannot remember the last time i was mistaken for a female), i am perceived as a very young looking male, probably a young teenager. being seen as a young teenager has been extremely frustrating the past few months and i'm sure will continue to be. in one of my placement interviews for americorps one of the interviewers told me that i looked like a 12 year-old. while the interviewer did try to say it in a light, joking manner, i didn't really appreciate this. i KNOW that i look like a 12 year-old and honestly it really stinks. it is especially a downer when i'm in groups of people who are around my actual age, like this past week, and people just won't take me seriously, listen to me or even acknowledge me. it's difficult to constantly be fighting against others' perceptions of you and to have to again and again establish yourself as an equal, or just someone that deserves respect.

i feel that if my facial hair were farther along, i might not necessarily have this problem. i know there are older men who probably have about as much facial hair as i do, but the other men i'm working with this year have beards and visible stubble. i'm trying my best to be patient and know that in time i too will have facial hair, even possibly a beard. right now i just have to take life as comes and know that eventually my time will come.


08 September, 2009


i visited my folks over the long weekend. they had both been asking me for a while to come home to see them since i hadn't really spent time with them since march. i was hesitant at first since my relationship with both of them has dwindled, but thought that a visit might be exactly what was needed. overall the visit was fine and it was good to see them. my grandma was visiting as well and spending time with her is always a plus. grandma got my name right 100% of the time, which is better than my parents and pronouns about 50% of the time, which is just as good as my parents - major props to grams.

i was outside one day while home, getting something from my trunk when two neighbors came walking down the street. i recognized them straight away - they have children around the same ages as my siblings and myself and we all attended school together. i wasn't sure if they recognized me, but the woman said hi to me and when i turned around she said: "oh i thought you were nate [my brother]". my heart was pounding out of my chest! my head was full of questions - what if they recognize me? what if they call me by my old name? do i respond to my old name? do i come out to them? and on and on...i had no idea what to say, so i smiled and simply said "no" and they continued on their walk. i have no idea who they think i am and am curious to know what they were thinking. i was thinking about it later and thought that an amusing response would have been: "i'm nate's long lost twin brother!" i wonder what type of response that would have sparked...?!

does anyone have any similar stories of seeing people you haven't seen since transitioning?


06 September, 2009


for those of you living in the north east (usa) here are two conferences coming up this fall:

translating identities conference

saturday, october 24
university of vermont, burlington, vermont

transcending boundaries conference

friday, november 20 - sunday, november 22
dcu center, worcester, massachusetts


03 September, 2009

the evolution of little lefty - the nipple that could (warning - post contains gross images!)

initial surgery date: november 4, 2008
revision surgery date: august 4, 2009

9 days post-operative from initial surgery

2 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

3 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

5 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

8 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

12 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

5 months post-operative from initial surgery

8 months post-operative from initial surgery

1 week post-operative revision

2 weeks post-operative revision

1 month post-operative revision

02 September, 2009

pre-transition anger

a good buddy of mine and i were talking the other day about how angry we both were before beginning our transitions. i thought it might be an interesting subject to post about.

i was a very angry and unhappy person during my high school and college years. i was dissatisfied with my life, how i felt and the circumstances i had been presented with. i felt trapped and unable to help myself and thus my anger. i held onto my anger as if it was my key to freedom - i refused to see how damaging it was. when i would get angry, it would burn in my chest, and i could stay angry for hours. it would ruin my days - often times once i was angry, i had a very difficult time calming down. i would punch walls, hurting myself and sometimes i was even verbally abusive towards those around me.

looking back now at my anger, it is hard to believe how angry i used to be. fortunately, as i was able to come to terms with my trans identity, my anger slowly subsided. and now, i very rarely become angry. i am a generally happy, calm, and easy-going person and feel so fortunate to have been afforded the opportunities i've been afforded the past two years in order to begin my transition and embrace my true gender identity.

anyone else have any experiences around anger they'd like to share?


26 August, 2009


i'm glad i've been able to blog more this month - i've been enjoying writing more frequently. yesterday was the three week mark from my revision surgery on my chest. my chest is looking really good so far. i'm feeling alright - it's sore and achy every so often because i'm probably pushing myself too hard. the photo to my left is what my chest looks like as of yesterday. i only have one small scab over my left nipple.

i went to the dmv yesterday to get a new picture on my driver's license because the picture i had on it looked nothing like me. when i went to change my license over to a vermont state license last year the woman who was helping me automatically changed my sex on it to "m" with no questions asked (the sex on my previous license was marked "f"). i was surprised this had happened, as i was anticipating having to have an "f" on my license. so back to yesterday and getting my new picture - i handed in my old license, got a new picture, waited two minutes and received my new license, very pleased with my new picture (the woman helping me never said anything about my sex). when i took it out to look at it later in the day, i noticed that my sex had been changed back to "f"! i'm wondering if i was listed in their data base as "f"? this is the only thing i can think of at the moment because i am read as male all of the time now. i guess i'll just have to make another trip back there and let them know they made a mistake.

and some interesting stories in the news regarding sex and gender i thought i would pass on:
sex verification
related article


22 August, 2009


check out this article on pfox (parents and friends of ex-gays and gays)

this "article" simply baffles me. i most often view other peoples' life choices as choices that they have made to suit their interests/needs...and that because they are the person who should know themselves the best in turn the choice they have made is what is best for them at that moment in time or for that circumstance. though, after reading this article it seems like this person did not fully consider what his choices would mean for his future (sure the article is short, but this person never really stated that they felt like a trans person...). overall i think there was a lot missing from this story and that it was pretty badly written. to me, it seems to serve no other purpose than to send the message that if your life is really fucked up, some higher power can save you.

for me making the choice to transition, in any and every aspect, was something that i thought about long and hard. i educated myself on trans issues and considered how each part of my life would change because of one choice i would make. while it was very difficult to constantly question myself and my identity, i am happy i took the time to reflect on possible future changes. i hope that those in a position now where they are contemplating transition will also take time to reflect on how our choices will and can effect the rest of our lives.

of course i am in no way saying that people who chose to "de-transition" are unintelligent or make bad choices - i'm sure there are a variety of reasons why people decide to "de-transition", those of which i could only speculate about - family, love-life, religion, well-being...(the process of "de-transitioning" is actually something i'd like to look further into...anyone have any neutral resources?).

anyone want to comment?
-what advice would you give to someone who was beginning to think of themselves as trans and contemplating transitioning (social/medical/legal...)?

just thought i'd share some perspectives. peace.

19 August, 2009

role models

i was at an interview for my americorps position early this week and the director of the program mentioned to me that i'd be the only male working there, if i were to accept the position, and there are several male adolescents that i'd be working with. it occurred to me that i would be in a position to be these young men's male role model - if i were someone they looked up to. i never thought i would be in this position so early on, relatively speaking, in my transition. who knows how this will all end up - the guys may very well end up hating my guts. i guess being a male role model has never been in the forefront of my mind. though, when i think of being a male role model, i think to myself "can't i just be a non-gender-specific role model?" i have thought of myself of this in a few, very specific circumstances, but i think part of myself is too modest to think that someone would look up to me.

so all of this made me think back to my childhood and adolescence and who i looked up to and to the people i considered my role models. from a very early age i remember looking up to my father and have since then. we've most of the time gotten along well, we share many of the same interests and overall he is an incredibly understanding, accepting and compassionate human being. i remember also looking up to two uncles of mine during my teenage years - they were and are active, healthy, fun to hang out with and easy going men. it wasn't until high school that i had female role models. one was my english teacher who was simply an amazing teacher and made teaching applicable and fun - i looked up to her as both a righteous human being and as the educator i hoped to one day be. the other was ani difranco - i was completely enamored with the politics of her music and the power of her voice. these people today are still my role models, some have taken the backseat to the others and the new role models i've brought into my life, which seem to mostly be bold and honest activists and advocates, where gender seems to be irrelevant.

i'm curious to hear about your thoughts and experiences with role models - please comment and share!


12 August, 2009

background checks

i have been fortunate enough to have been offered a job through americorps recently and have decided to take it. i was filling out some of the paperwork yesterday and some of it deals with backgrounds checks. the paper explicitly stated that you had to list any other names you went by within the last seven years, which means i had to put my birth name on my paperwork. i was not and am not happy about this. while i understand the importance of knowing someone's legal history (especially if they are working with youth), i felt a bit violated that i had to out myself to my director and possibly other co-workers when they had only taken me in as male before (as i am perceived as male all of the time). when i handed in my paperwork my director briefly looked through it - i waited for some type of physical response (possibly wrinkled forehead muscles) and saw her momentarily look at my old name, but she didn't flinch. it's my hope that i will be treated with the same respect i was treated with before and that she will keep my private medical information private.

i guess the most frustrating part is that i am forced, in this situation, to be connected to an old identity i don't identify with any longer. putting the trans issues aside, i think most people would find this piece frustrating - marking someone with something that was part of his/her old self, which is no longer applicable.

i am curious to know if anyone else has any experiences with background checks - please comment and share your story.


11 August, 2009

1 Week Post-Op Revision

today it has been one week since surgery and i'm feeling pretty good. i'm thankfully not in any pain, mostly discomfort when i sleep because i have to sleep on my back, but other than that i don't have any complaints.

here's what my chest looks like today - notice that there's not much bruising or swelling. there is medical tape around my areolas, protecting the stitches and the yellowness in the center of my chest is from a green sharpie marker still coming off.

compare to 9 days post-op from the initial surgery (9 months ago)- lots of bruising and swelling and not to mention my gross areola and nipple. during my revision dr. fischer took a small part of my good nipple and sewed it into the one that had healing issues (i still had a tiny indent left over after nine months of healing on the left side).


06 August, 2009


saw one of the "that's so gay" commercials on tv yesterday. finally! these are long past overdue. check out the website here.

i went to a family wedding on saturday. my mother was worried about me going and i think in some ways didn't want to go - she said i'd make people uncomfortable. we fought a lot about this and along with the fact that i'd see my grandma. i did finally come out to my grandmas and my one great aunt and they were all awesome. so the wedding was totally cool and everyone seemed happy to see me, used the correct name and pronouns. i spent most of my time there with grandma actually, talking, drinking beer and dancing - what an awesome grandma. i had a minor incident with a cousin who felt the need to criticize me and my decisions. it was an odd moment, but a mere road bump in a good weekend.

and this past tuesday was my revision with dr. fischer. i had my consultation on monday and they were impressed with how well i healed and how good my chest looked. she reassured me that the surgery was going to be quick and that she was going to do minor touch-ups (i had both of my areolas re-sized and a bit of extra tissue taken out). surgery was tuesday morning and everything went really smoothly. i was in surgery for about an hour and back in the hotel by noon. the anesthesia i had this time was different and didn't make me feel as sick or groggy as what i had last time. i've been taking it easy - napping, eating, reading, watching tv - but overall i feel good, much better than how i felt a few days after my initial surgery. i am looking forward to hopefully a quicker recovery than last time and being able to work out again and tone my muscles.


29 July, 2009

penis dream

last night i had my first dream of actually having a penis - or at least a dream that i can remember. it's not that i don't have a penis in my dreams, more that i just don't dream of my genitalia. it was a pretty basic dream, nothing too special happened. i was mostly just peeing (standing up of course) throughout the dream. i think i was just so excited about having a penis that i just wanted to keep using it (i like how i used it to pee instead of having sex - the horny pubescent boy that i am...).

anyone have any genitalia dreams they want to share?!


18 July, 2009

transgender identities & spirituality

lately i've been thinking a lot about my transition (medical, mental, emotional, physical...) and how it relates to my spirituality. i don't think that spirituality, at least in my mind, can be ignored when we think about, discuss and reflect upon our transitions (however each of us define our own personal transition).

so many of the steps i've taken in the past two years and have been taking have only helped revitalize, re-energize and essentially awaken my spirit and my internal energy. i feel, in many ways, as if i am just now waking up. i feel more in-tune with myself as an being that is comprised of both a body and a spirit and more in-tune with my own energy, other people's energy and how these energies effect each other. i cannot deny these facts.

i haven't conducted a very thorough search yet, but i have found these resources:
kindred spirits website
transgender spirituality website

if you have any related resources please share by leaving a comment
and for any trans-identified folks who would like to comment on this subject, i'd like to hear what you have to say in regards to your transition and trans identity and your spirituality


14 July, 2009

this and that.

eight-month post-op top surgery looks like this:

i work out about four or five times a week. i have trouble with my lower back/hips and have been trying to run, but it's been a struggle. i mostly weight lift and do strengthening exercises, alternating days between my upper body and abs. i've been feeling good though and feel as if i am getting the results i had hoped for.

i have decided to get a revision on my chest and already have it scheduled for the beginning of august. i know my chest looks good as it is right now, but i would feel less conscious of my chest with the revision. my surgeon, dr. beverly fischer, will be resizing my oddly-shaped areolas and taking out some extra tissue left from the initial surgery. i am looking forward to getting my chest as close to "perfect" as it can be.

i went to my doctor's office yesterday to get an ekg in preparation for surgery (it is required by my doctor as part of the pre-surgery screening process). the woman who administered the ekg was the same woman who did the ekg i had for my initial surgery. she asked me why i was getting an ekg and i explained my background to her and then she said she remembered me from the last time. she said she had barely recognized me, that i was looking good and that my chest looked great. so that was pretty awesome - thanks ekg woman, you totally made my morning (if only i could remember your name!)!

i also went to the social security office to change the gender associated with my social security number. i must say that it was the least painful name/sex changing process i have undergone with a government office. i had to fill out the SS-5 form, show my driver's license and my letter from surgery and i was all set. i wasn't hassled or questioned and was in and out of the office in ten minutes. the only document i have left to change anything on is my birth certificate, which i have to change my sex on. this will have to be further down the road because new york state requires a hysterectomy in order to change the sex from female to male on a birth certificate and hysterectomies are way too expensive.

i think that's it.
peace dudes.

what happened to transster?

those of you familiar with transster (for those unfamiliar, it was an internet archive of surgeons performing specific types of trans surgeries and pictures of these surgeries....as you can imagine this was a very useful resource for many) may have realized that the website has been down for the past two months or so. i am unsure if there was any word as to what has happened with the site and information collected there.

i recently found a similar site that a transman and his partner have decided to start up in light of transster being down. i believe the site was just put up, so there are some kinks to work out. the site is called transbucket. check it out and post your pictures. props to the creators!


23 June, 2009

and again.

thank you to my dear friend who shared this poem with me. i am constantly reminded of it and reflect on its words often...i've posted it once quite a while ago, but thought i would post it again.

once a young woman asked me,
"how does it feel to be a man?"
and i replied,
"my dear, i am not so sure."
then she said,
"well, aren't you a man?"
and this time i replied,
"i view gender as a beautiful
animal that people often take for
a walk on a leash and might
enter in some odd contest
to try to win strange prizes."
my dear, a better question
for Hafiz would have been,
"how does it feel to be a heart?"
for all i know is love and
i find my heart infinite and everywhere
-Hafiz, Sufi mystic, 1320 - 1389

to my readers, if you so boldly choose to comment:
-has anyone ever asked you a similar question (how does it feel to be a man/woman?)? and how did you reply?
-what are your thoughts on Hafiz's response? do you agree or disagree with him - why?

thanks for reading and commenting. peace.

21 June, 2009

trans visibility

thank you to the woman - i'm sorry your name escapes me at the moment - who works at the co-op for saying something to me about my blog!

i've been thinking a lot about my own visibility as a trans person lately. i really have a very faint idea of how out i am in my town, although feel that i am probably more out than i am aware of because i am in town and in the public eye more often.

this all seems to be a double-edged sword to me. i think being visible as a trans person is important in order to spread understanding and acceptance and rid of misconceptions and biases - discussions, conversations, workshops, questions must be had. however at the same time, what if you live in a place where you cannot be out, where you cannot be open about your trans identity (personal safety and privacy issues)? would you want to live in a place where you could not be out? would you feel safe in this place? i do worry about my safety and worry that something may happen to me for the mere fact that i am trans, though this fear does not keep me from being an activist and advocate.

of course i am going on the assumption that if one could be out that they would. however there are people who choose to not be out as trans people, who do not want their trans identity known, who just want to be seen as who they are and not necessarily as trans. being stealth vs. being out is a hot topic in the trans community and is a decision that each individual makes based on a variety of factors (health, safety, privacy, etc....). i think it is important to respect each person's decision on whether or not he/she decides to be stealth because each individual knows what is best for his/her own personal health and safety. in the same breath, if we as trans people remain hidden how can we spread knowledge and understanding? i think one can still be an activist and advocate even if they are not out - but what message is this spreading to the public? and how is information about trans issues received if it is not necessarily from a trans person?

so to my readers...
-what are your thoughts on trans visibility?
-how can trans people find a balance between their wants and needs of both their private and public lives?
-what message does being stealth send to the public/non-trans people?
-how is information about trans issues received if it is not necessarily from a trans person?


18 June, 2009

our voices will not be silenced

i'm trying my best to update more often...

recently in the news - sonny and cher's child is transitioning from female to male (http://edition.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/06/11/ent.chastity.bono/index.html). i wish him the best of luck with his transition. i hope the media's attention to his transition will allow the public to gain a better understanding of trans people. although the media may also portray this in a negative light - at the very least i hope he's able to remain as private as he desires with his life and transition. here's a commentary on the story by jamison green (trans educator and author) (http://edition.cnn.com/2009/US/06/12/chastity.bono/index.html).

glbtqi (gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer, intersexed...i'm sure i'm missing letters here) discrimination seems to be increasing - seems odd to say that something like discrimination is quantifiable, but according to recent statistics killings of glbtqi people have increased 28% since 1999. check out the article here. these statistics completely disgust me. it makes me sick to see that people will kill because they do not understand. there is more visibility for the glbtqi community these days, though as the article suggests, with more visibility comes backlash. visibility. backlash. visibility. backlash. ignorance = fear = hate = violence.

my familial "support" has been taking up a lot of my energy lately. while i am seeing growth in my siblings' acceptance and understanding, my parents' growth has seem to have come or gradually come to stop. the past year and a half has been very difficult with them - i've tried my best to remain open with them about my transition, however i am most always the one initiating discussions regarding my transition or trans issues, getting them reading material and dvds, etc...they seems to be everything but proactive. though i cannot say i have terrible parents because at the very least i still have parents and they are decent human beings - in the same breath it is incredibly difficult and painful to have people you love and trust and hold close to you who simply do not support you through a significant change.

i feel completely invisible to them.

they are refusing to see me for who i want to be seen as. while they do have 22 years of history with my old self, they are refusing to accept the universal truth that things change (granted this is quite the change...)...things still change, life is about change(s) - what would it be without it? with all of this i have experienced their disrespect, transphobia, fears, anger, discomfort...they want me to keep quiet, keep me in the closet (i'm already out...how can i go back in...??), keep the perfect, middle-class, white suburbia, white picket fence image of a family, keep the perfect image of their child, and keep the perfect image of what is male and what is female. this is bullshit. complete bullshit. i am all too tired of this fight. i will no longer be silenced or hidden. this is me being honest with myself for the first time in 22 years - the authenticity is not stopping. not now. not ever.

'first they came for the jews and i did not speak out -
because i was not a jew.

then they came for the communists and i did not speak out -
because i was not a communist.

then they came for the trade unionists and i did not speak out -
because i was not a trade unionist.

then they came for me -
and there was no one left to speak out for me. '
-pastor niemoeller (victim of the nazis)


03 June, 2009


I was in some awkward social situations this weekend and thought I'd post a little something about trans-etiquette...

Pronouns: Using the preferred pronoun for a trans person is a must – it shows acceptance and respect. It is generally okay to ask a trans person, respectfully, what pronouns he/she uses if it’s not obvious. People are normally very appreciative of this gesture. The standard rule is to use the pronoun of the gender the person is presenting (how they appear to be dressing).

Pronoun Slips: Everyone slips up. Though, these mistakes can be handled easily. If the wrong name or pronoun slips out when speaking one-on-one with a trans person, the best response is usually: “I’m sorry. I’m meant (pronoun/name).” Then move on. When in the company of others, especially those who don’t know that the person is trans, it is best to let the mistake go and use the correct pronoun/name then next time it arises. Most people won’t notice a slip up in a large group, though drawing attention to the mistake can make things worse. Continuous apologies are uncomfortable for everyone and make the trans person the center of attention.

Drawing Attention: Perchance you are doing business or interacting with a stranger who appears to be trans and you’d like to express your support for their trans identity. The most supportive thing you can do is nothing at all. Like stated previously drawing attention to a certain situation can make things uncomfortable. If the person is obviously trans, he/she is usually aware that it’s obvious to others and will appreciate the signs of respect and acceptance that go with a normal interaction.

Forbidden Question #1: NEVER ask a trans person this question: “Have you had the operation?” The question is synonymous with “Are you done?” Both of these assume an incompleteness, a partial human being. There is no such thing as the operation; trans people all evolve differently, some going through operations and others never desiring any. This question many times is also a reference to genital surgery. If this is something one wants to know, the question needs to be asked directly. The person asking also needs to consider whether he or she would ask a non-trans person about genitalia in the same situation.

Forbidden Question #2: NEVER ask a trans person this question: “Why did you do it?” This question assumes that there are a multitude of reasons (why they transitioned) that have nothing to do with gender incongruity, or that the trans person thought that living as the opposite sex would be fun or interesting. Trans people transition because they need to resolve gender issues that have no other resolution. The majority of trans people transition because they will otherwise die or live such a miserable life that it would be like death. Trans people transition to live.


11 May, 2009

traditional gender stereotypes

now that i am perceived male just about 100% of the time i'd say that i have to deal with traditional gender stereotypes more and more now. i am expected to act a certain way because i am male, i am expected to say certain things because i am male, i am expected to look a certain way because i am male...the list is endless! and while i thoroughly enjoy being perceived as male finally, i do not enjoy being once again shoved into another box.

why can't men just be who we are? if we like to talk about our feelings, or dress nicely, or don't prove our amazing strength we're called wussies, gays, or metrosexuals. why can't a guy who CAN talk about his feelings simply be A GUY? what is our society telling us? why are so many men perceived this way? why do so many men have to hide their sensitive and emotional sides and act "rough and tough"? think about what a lifetime of hiding your feelings would do to you...

personally i say fuck the traditional gender stereotypes. i say be who you are and be proud of it. sure, you'll get shit for it - but i'd rather get shit for being myself than being a fake my whole life. stand up to those people who give you shit and challenge their ideas of gender stereotypes. i've been challenging the people i work with all year and while i can't say that i've definitely gotten through to them, i can say i've made them stop in their path once or twice and think.

and really WHO is to say that you need to possess certain characteristics, or certain actions or roles? WHO? WHO are you allowing to dictate your words, your actions...? think real hard about this one. i hope in time more people will be able to realize that who we are is a matter of our person, our character, and not our sex or gender. so take a step outside the box for a minute, take a long look around, and take some time to think about yourself, your actions, the roles you prescribe to, what you say before you attribute them to something like your sex.


06 May, 2009


hey dudes -
my apologies for not updating in almost a month - life has gotten so busy lately.
i found out officially that my thesis was approved and that i will be graduating the end of may! so now that that is good and done, i've been on a wild hunt for a job - nothing to speak of yet.

i went to a trans health and law conference in CT in late april and really enjoyed it. it was small, but the workshops i went to were intriguing and informative. most importantly i learned about the anti-discrimination laws in VT for trans people - we have rights! if you're interested check it out here: http://www.glad.org/rights/vermont/c/anti-discrimination-law-in-vermont/

a good friend and myself also held a "trans 101" workshop up at my old school for current students. there were about 25 people there, which is an awesome turn out for this small school - and people were actively engaged and interested in what information we had to share with them. i was and am really happy i was afforded the opportunity to do this workshop.

my website is still down and i am working on getting it back up - hopefully soon. yesterday 6 months post-op for top surgery - i am working out about 4 - 5 days a week and feeling good about my changing body. my year anniversary on testosterone is also fast approaching (may 13) and i am looking forward to reflecting on such a significant year.

i'll do my best to update more frequently.


14 April, 2009

11 months

yesterday (4/13) was my 11 month anniversary of starting testosterone.
i think the only changes i've noticed this past month are a bit more facial hair.
i've disabled my website for the time being (no worries, it will be up soon hopefully), but i'll be sure to post pictures and an update there also.

i also wanted to post this article about MTFs in iran:
definitely worth taking a look at.
also a documentary is mentioned at the end of the article - here is the website for that:


31 March, 2009

news and news

excellent news - i've finally finished my thesis...well i finished it about a week ago and pending its approval i will soon have my masters of arts in teaching! after a week of relaxing i am only now beginning to catch up on everything else.

i want to thank everyone who reads my blog and comments - i appreciate your support, participation and insight.

this isn't trans related, but i just saw the movie "the beautiful truth" (2008). if you are interested in food, your health and the environment, i'd suggest you check it out. i found it on netflix and here's the website: www.thebeautifultruthmovie.com

the comments on the phrase "man enough" were great - thanks for your thoughts. stereotypical gender roles are obviously intertwined into language - this quote and many others as evidence. while i'm sure some people use this phrase seriously, i've been fortunate enough to have only heard it used jokingly.

when i was thinking of this phrase and its connotations, the word "metrosexual" came up. wikipedia defines metrosexual as: "...generally applied to heterosexual men with a strong concern for their appearance, and/or whose lifestyles display attributes stereotypically attributed to gay men." i have heard this term used seriously, in fact by my own parents! i think this word is quite silly because when used seriously, it implies that heterosexual men (the manly men, the man enough men....sarcastic tone...) aren't supposed to be concerned with looking good or taking care of themselves, which is ridiculous (who doesn't want to smell good or have clean teeth?). this word has certainly emphasized quite an absurd gender role. i think it also emphasizes society's difficulty to accept people who do not fit stereotypical gender roles or who do not fit into the gender binary (either masculine or feminine). with that said, i'm not a fan of the word.

peace dudes.

20 March, 2009

hello? anyone there?

i've been thinking a lot about the phrase "man enough"

-what do you think of when you hear this?
-are there any connotations surrounding this phrase for you?
-are there any personal experiences linked to this phrase?
-does this phrase feel positive or negative, both or neither, to you?
-do you think this phrase is linked to specific cultural ideas and norms?
-where and in what manner have you heard this phrase used?

i'm interested in hearing what YOU have to say -
leave a comment and let's discuss the ideas surrounding this phrase.
participation is appreciated!


13 March, 2009


today is my ten month mark for being on testosterone. not too many changes to make note of from last month - a bit more body hair, i think my voice got a bit lower and my facial hair has suddenly decided to join the race. i'll be updating my website soon.

and this morning before i got in the shower i noticed a black spot below my right nipple. i thought it was dirt or a blackhead, but upon further inspection i discovered that it was a piece of the dissolvable stitches i had from surgery! the piece was about a quarter inch long and just came right out when i pulled on it. weird.

i've had two very odd dreams lately. in the first dream i was with a woman (a dream girlfriend i think) in wallgreens and saw an old guy friend from high school. he called to me using my birth name a few times and i finally heard him and turned around. i had a full beard, but he kept using my birth name - though there was some unsaid understanding that he knew i am trans. and the second dream - i was at work and my boss called down to my department. i picked up the phone and he called me by my birth name - i froze and didn't know what to do, but eventually said "i don't know what you're talking about". he said he knew and had found my website. right after that another one of my bosses called me and said the same thing. weird.

another transman blogger made an entry a while back about beginning to question his sexuality since he started testosterone. i've noticed a similar pattern in some transguys and wanted to comment honestly on this. i dated several guys in high school, though that was definitely awkward as hell for me and after identifying as a lesbian for several years, i never really paid attention to guys. i had a few guy friends growing up here and there, but i think for the most part i intimidated or scared guys. so i was really never around a lot of guys and never really had any reason to pay attention to them. since beginning my transition, i can definitely say that i notice men more now than i ever have in my entire life. at first this scared me because i was unsure if i was attracted to them or just people watching. while i feel my sexuality is more fluid now and would consider dating a man - although i have no sexual attraction to men - i feel that this noticing is just me trying to find my place in male culture. unfortunately right now i do not have a cisgender (definition: someone who feels that their gender identity matches their birth sex - basically the opposite of transgender) male role model who lives close enough to me that i could consult face-to-face daily about male culture. while i do not feel that i necessarily have to fit a certain or specific male mold, i do feel like i am finding my way in the world in a new body and am being perceived by the public in a very different light.

physically i feel very young - i am going through a second puberty at the age of 24 and feel like i am getting to know my body all over again. i feel awkward and clumsy. i look at men and wonder what type of man i will be - i notice the way they dress, how they style their hair and their facial hair, how they walk, how they greet people, how they hold themselves, how they act with others, what type of vibe project...i notice a lot. while i know that i am always a work in progress and that i will always be growing and changing, i am waiting for my body to catch up with the rest of myself. i know that some of these changes will take a while to actually occur, though through these physical changes i will begin to feel "at home" in my own body and feel connected to my own body, being and spirit. how can one possibly grow as a human being when they refuse to accept a part of their own being? when they refuse to notice their own body? when a part of their being had made them feel so incredibly low that it affects the rest of their being? it's impossible. while beginning hormones has proven to be difficult in some ways, i feel that i am finally at home in my own skin and am finding some peace with this body.


03 March, 2009

four months post-operative top surgery

it's been four months since top surgery already - i can't believe it's been that long. everything is going well with my chest. i'm back to my normal physical activities - snowboarding, running and lifting and feeling good. i'm beginning to see a little bit of muscle definition and i'm getting a little bit of my sensation back (although overall i have little sensation). i'm thinking about getting a revision late in the summer, although am not completely sure about that yet and am waiting to see how my chest continues to heal.

i wanted to write a little bit about the recovery process. i never had major surgery before (i had ear tubes put in and taken out when i was very young and my wisdom teeth removed, but i don't think those are necessary major surgeries). i read up a lot about different transguys recoveries from top surgery before having my surgery to get an idea of what the process would be like for myself. i wasn't exactly sure what to anticipate with recovery. the recovery process is an extremely personal process - with all the reading i did and could have done, i don't think i could have ever fully prepared myself for recovery. i knew i was going to be tired, healing for a while and restricted physically, but it is difficult to anticipate what exactly one's process is going to be like.

for me, recovery wasn't the easiest. the first month i was tired a lot, i got several colds during that time and overall felt pretty beat up. i had difficulties with my left nipple healing properly and that was somewhat nerve racking - i was unsure if my nipple was going to fall off and if it didn't fall off what it would look like. only now, four months later, is my nipple almost fully healed. the recovery process is definitely a whole human experience - something that affects you obviously physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...i definitely had a rough go of it the first few months, but am finally feeling good. i think being able to work out is helping me feel good physically and mentally to see my body begin to take its true form.

i don't think i realized how much anxiety i had built up inside about my chest until i had surgery. i feel so much lighter and freer now. it was frustrating to have to bind everyday - to wear something that was so constraining, uncomfortable and painful. i think what was especially frustrating was that it was something i had to do - i couldn't just put on a t-shirt and go. of course now it's a completely different story and i feel so appreciative i was able to have surgery.

peace dudes.

19 February, 2009

a growing boy

just wanted to do an update...

i sent out my application for a new passport january 24 and received my brand-spanking new passport last week! i am really impressed on how quick the process was, i was expecting to wait at least a few months for one. so all of my information is changed - name and sex - and they even sent me back my original documents. so i'm pretty happy that this process was quick and painless.

i hit my nine-month mark on testosterone last week (the 13th)! time has been flying. since i changed my dosage, i've been feeling a lot better - sleeping more, A LOT less irritable, angry and frustrated and overall feeling more me. the main changes i've noticed lately are changes in my MUSCLES. holy muscles batman. i've been working out some lately (running, lifting, exercises on my exercise ball and chip-ups/pull-ups), but i am so impressed. i don't think i ever anticipated being this muscular. after being on testosterone i feel like i have a lot more energy and stamina than i did pre-t and that gaining muscle is a lot easier.

and my chest is looking good. my pecs are beginning to be defined a bit after working out. i am thinking about a revision to re-size the larger nipple and get rid of some extra tissue near my arm pits and under my one nipple. i still have very little sensation in my chest, but my left nipple (the one with the healing problems) actually has more sensation in it than the right one.

other updates...i'm more than halfway done with my thesis. it feels so good to be getting this done and getting this load off my back. i already invited my parents to graduation to ensure that i would finish.

i've been compiling a list of the "names" guys use for other guys (nouns to replace your name/nouns the strictly refer to a guy): man, buck, guy, bro, brother, dude, sir, mister, boy, young man. i find it most amusing when people use guy ("thanks for the help guy"), enjoy it when people use brother and sir in reference towards me and personally use and like dude the most. i've been called all of these names and just found the multitude and peoples' personal choices interesting. does anybody have any to add? any favorites?

i'll be updating my website soon with 9 month pictures, text and a voice clip.


11 February, 2009

trans health and law conference

just received work of the transgender lives: the intersection of health and law conference today.
the conference is being held on saturday, april 18th, 2009 at the uconn health center from 0800 until 1700. the conference is geared towards service providers, medial and legal professionals, trans and gender non-conforming individuals, allies and all those interested in the health and law issues facing the trans and gender non-conforming communities.
check out the website: www.transgenderlives.org

i plan on going, hope to see you there.

penis transplant

i found this article about the first penis transplant through an online forum. i hadn't realized this was 1 - possible and 2 - doctors had already tried it. regardless the article is interesting - check it out here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14905485/


02 February, 2009

diminishing storm clouds this afternoon. forecast for tomorrow: sunny.

the past two months have been pretty rough for me emotionally, mentally, physically...i had changed my testosterone dosage from 75 mg/week to 100 mg/week in the beginning of december when i had my six-month appointment with my endocrinologist. i was feeling really good at the time and decided to see how i would feel increasing the dosage. but i've been feeling everything but good these past two months - very easily irritated, frustrated and angry, all of which have made me very tired and sad. while i cannot attribute the way i've been feeling solely to the testosterone, i feel that it had quite a large effect on me. last week i called dr. turco's office, my endocrinologist, and spoke with a nurse about how i'd been feeling and my desire to decrease my dosage. the nurse called me back the next day and okay-ed the decrease in dosage. so last friday i injected 80 mg and while i feel like i should be holding my tongue, i already feel as if the dark storm clouds have left. i feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

lately i've been thinking about a lot of the experiences i've been afforded in terms of my transition and consider myself a very fortunate person. with this said, i wanted to write a list of all of the things i feel thankful for (trans-related):
-my support network (friends, family, online communities, my therapist, support groups)
-being able to start testosterone
-the incredibly friendly, understanding and knowledgeable staff and doctors in endocrinology at darmouth-hitchcock
-being able to have top-surgery and having an awesome experience with dr. fischer and her staff
-being brave enough to come out
-being able to be me without barely getting harassed at all, despite the fact that many people do experience varying forms of abuse because of their trans identity. and knowing that despite the difficulties i have experienced and will experience in the future, that i have made the right decision to transition, that i don't doubt my decision at all and that i am a much much much happier and healthier human being now and can finally be and feel more like myself.


25 January, 2009

things that i do not like very much at all, especially and most definitely when i am sleep deprived

i was watching a video on youtube on a trans guy's personal channel and he was talking about health insurance and possibly getting a hysterectomy covered by insurance. i think that's great if it works out in his favor. seems like trans people are always jumping through hoops, especially with the legal and medical systems.

i didn't really do much research on my health insurance (blue cross blue shield) when i first got it, but this guy inspired me a bit so i checked out the bcbs website. this is what i found:
"In addition to the specific exclusions listed elsewhere in your Contract, the following General Exclusions apply:...#58: Treatment leading to, or in connection with, transsexual Surgery."

i'm not a bit surprised because health insurances are only beginning to cover trans related health costs, but it did make me angry - how can it not? this is a case of blatant discrimination. i didn't even bother to read the other however many exclusions, but i'm sure those have made others angry as well. plain and simple, trans people are people, people with specific health/medical needs. this might be a terrible analogy...but just like diabetic people need insulin, most trans people need hormones.

number two on the list is changing my birth certificate (name and sex). it seems that i need the following documents: an application (they mailed me the wrong one), court order for name change with seal, certified proof of publication, letter from SRS surgeon specifying date, place and procedure (this needs to be a hysterectomy in new york state), actual operative report from SRS surgeon, letter from therapist documenting "true" transsexualism (as opposed to "false" transsexualism...?), and a letter from an endocrinologist or other medical physician concerning "hormonal" information. rawr is all i have to say. it's actually EASIER to change your passport than your birth certificate...well at least for me as someone who was born in new york state. i sent out my documents to change my name and sex on my passport yesterday.

lastly, i really do not like the word "lifestyle", especially in reference to GLBTQI (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender/transsexual (do i need two 't's' for that?), queer/questioning (?), intersexed)...am i missing any?) people. i think in some ways it has somehow become associated GLBTQI people (how, i have no idea) and for some reason, at least in my experience has come up A LOT when discussing GLBTQI people - though maybe this is not a common experience.

to begin i feel like it has a negative connotation because the way it has come up in discussions for me has always been something like "oh i don't understand your lifestyle" (in reference to being trans), or "how's your lifestyle treating you?". it seems to me that questions/comments like and similar to these regard being GLBTQI as a choice (keep in mind that being GLBTQI is NOT a choice), like what these people are really trying to say is something like "wow, why would you ever want to live in such a manner" or "why are you taking such a difficult path?". furthermore, these questions/comments also seem to insinuate that being GLBTQI is what consumes our entire life, every breath and every moment. clearly our GLBTQI-ness sticks out like a sore thumb and these people have a hard time seeing that we are anything other than GLBTQI. fuck.

but really very lastly is the complete and utter lack of single and/or available (yes they are different) women here. this is seriously going to make me stir crazy. if you have my number please feel free to give it to any woman, ages 22 to 42, you may see from this moment on. thank you.

this wasn't supposed to be a negative post, so i will make a quick note of things i like very much, especially and most definitely when i'm sleep deprived:
-my spectacular day-dreaming abilities
-day-dreaming of beautiful and perhaps naked women
-beautiful women
-warm, full cup of tea or coffee
-a comfortable bed
-a beautiful and perhaps woman enjoying a warm full cup of coffee or tea with me in a comfortable bed


11 January, 2009

interactive post - your chance to SAY SOMETHING!

this has come up a lot lately and i really wanted to hear what others had to say...

for those of you that have known me before and after i began hormones:
has our relationship changed in any way since i've begun hormones - what has changed and how?
have you noticed a change in the way you experience me/the way we interact since i've begun hormones - what has changed and how?

for those of you that i don't personally know:
do you feel like your relationships with those that are close to you have changed since you've started hormones - what has changed and how?

for those of you that are not on hormones:
if you are considering hormones, do you anticipate your relationships to change - what do you anticipate?
if you don't take hormones, have your relationships changed at all since you socially transitioned - what has changed and how?

please respond if you have time.

04 January, 2009


just a bunch of random things i'd like to make a note of...

-my sense of smell is going out the door, this past month i've noticed a huge decrease (i believe this is because of testosterone...has anyone else noticed this?)
-i'm growing my side burns out - they're barely noticeable
-i finally found hairs on my chin
-my chest is healing very nicely - the hole on my left side is finally beginning to heal
-my old insurance company has at last paid for my endocrinologist visits from may and august
-i heard my birth name the other day and it was really difficult to hear, even though i wasn't being called by it
-i listen too much and don't speak enough
-i wish my town had a bigger trans community
-a cabin in the woods sounds perfect right about now


01 January, 2009

movie review

first and foremost: happy new year!

i recently watched the documentary "red without blue" and really enjoyed it and wanted to share. it's a documentary (released in 2007?) about identical twins. it was filmed over the course of a three year period when the twins were young adults. the documentary focuses on the twins close relationship and the family dynamics surrounding their close relationship and how it evolved over the years. the twins grew up in a conservative community, eventually came out as gay, dealt with drug abuse, divorce, separation from each other and one twin comes out as transgender (mtf). the twins and parents do a lot of reflecting on their relationships, how the relationships have changed through their own self discoveries and what dealing with those changes has been like.

i thought this was a very honest documentary and really appreciated the perspective, although i found most of it to be quite sad. i also really appreciated being able to see how, especially the mother's, each person's perspective changed through the filming period. lastly, what i enjoyed was being able to hear the family's perspective on their changing dynamic - i suppose i particularly enjoyed that aspect because i've been dealing with changing family dynamics lately. i actually bought this movie for my parents hoping it would give them good perspective also, but they haven't received it yet.

check out the website: www.redwithoutblue.com