26 July, 2008

top surgery

just another brief note...

i've been doing a lot of research lately on top surgery...reconstructive chest surgery...getting a male chest (confused? check out this link to learn more: http://www.ftmguide.org/chest.html). i don't know how soon i will have it, but my chest gives me a lot of anxiety and i am hoping that i can have surgery within the next year. despite the fact that i will most likely have to take out more loans (i already have loans out for graduate school) i think the money is worth it and would rather spend the rest of my life paying off surgery loans than having a female chest. so i've been doing a lot of research lately, i've found a lot of dirt on doctors. i'm seriously looking into dr. beverly fischer in maryland - i've heard and seen a lot of good things about her. i just e-mailed her with some general questions, so we'll see what happens. just an update...


sir and "passing"

just wanted to write a bit about how i'm perceived in public.
the past few days i've been viewed about maybe 80 to 90 percent of the time as male, which is awesome. i definitely have anxiety about how i'm perceived, about someone calling me she/her/miss...and how other people would react to that, specifically my co-workers because they all perceive me as male. i actually got "sir'd" the other day for the first time and it made me smile. it just felt really good to be read the way i want to be read, the way i feel inside.

it was interesting also because i thought i heard someone call me miss or some feminine thing the other day (they were mumbling, so who knows what they actually said) and i immediately got upset. i was really surprised by my response because i almost used to confusing people and at times being read as female. it's amusing what being read as male most of the time can do to ones mentality and maybe a bit of testosterone.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the word "passing" - some use as a verb to refer to them being read as the sex they wish to be read as (for example, an ftm: he passed as male at work.) i think this is a somewhat controversial word though because some feel that it implies that the person is hiding something, for instance their birth gender. however, many trans people feel the gender they desire to be is their true gender and therefore are not hiding anything. i don't mean to generalize or put words in other peoples' mouths - i'm a bit tired and having trouble typing and thinking. so, i've been thinking about this a lot lately and definitely agree that passing is a term i don't really like anymore, well at least when referring to myself.

with that said....a friend was telling me how her sister's babysitter (whom i had met briefly a few weeks ago while we were visiting the friend's sister) was inquiring about me and used masculine pronouns. she made some comment that her sister was excited that the babysitter thought i was a guy or something like that, something about passing (the sister knows i'm trans, the babysitter does not). and all i was thinking in my head was "yea i am a guy...". it's difficult responding to comments like those because i am early in my transition and of course don't get perceived as male all of the time and don't expect to. though, i suppose it also has something to do with how i perceive myself and despite my biology, i see myself as male.


24 July, 2008

name change update

i don't think i ever gave an update on my name change. but i think as most of you know, it was legally changed in june (i believe). after it was legally changed, i had to change every other place and what a task that has been. so far i have changed my name on:
-driver's license
-social security card
-bank accounts
-undergrad and graduate schools
-health insurance
-doctors office
-student loans
-car insurance
-prescriptions on rite aid
i'm sure i'm forgetting some....

the last two places i have to change my name are:
-on my passport (waiting for the money)
-my birth certificate (still trying to figure this one out)

it certainly is a lot of work changing your name, but well worth it - definitely a learning experience. if anyone needs any help with this process let me know! more updates to come, i'm slowly working on my website and hopefully it'll be up by this weekend.


18 July, 2008


so one of the most noticeable changes since being on T, other than my voice, has been all of the hair growth. more hair on my legs - darker and coarser on my calves and new hair growth on my thighs (didn't have much/any hair on my thighs before). the hair on my arms is actually getting longer and i'm getting hair on my biceps/triceps, which i didn't really have before. seeing a bit of hair on my back - well where i can see it (on my shoulders). my sideburns are coming in coarse and the hair above my upper lip is coming in dark - i have to shave every third or fourth day. last night i found more hair! surprise, surprise. my happy trail seems to be getting happier and i found a trail to the right of it, kind of following the natural contour of my body that is coming in dark, but not as dark as my happy trail. it just amazes me how fast hair grows - i just feel like i find new hairs everyday. more hair updates...next week probably.


16 July, 2008


just a quick update about work. everything has been going fine, selling camping equipment and other cool stuff so nothing really to complain about. but the cool thing is that i have been passing with my co-workers. i think my low voice, 2 months on t and masculine name definitely help, i am thankful. i was pretty anxious about starting, but everyone seems to be pretty low key. i get referred to as he/him, what more could i ask for?


12 July, 2008


so i desperately need a job and have been waiting around quite a while after apply to several full-time teaching/admin jobs. i decided to go into town the other day and see if the sporting goods store was hiring. they were, so i filled out an application. after handing in the application, the manager asked me if i had a minute and he took me to his office for a very informal interview. he just basically asked me if i could work all the time and i said yes because i am broke and need to support myself. i wasn't sure how he perceived me, although i wanted to say that by his strong handshake he perceived me as male. i wasn't sure though.

so i went back yesterday to fill out some documents and i was certain that he perceived me as male - which is awesome and of course what i want - the strong handshake again, he made a comment about me wearing a tie and i feel treated me male (whatever that means). i was super excited about this because i don't think i pass 100% of the time, although my deepening voice is helping. and then right before i went to bed last night i realized that i had given him my driver's license for a tax form and that it says i am "female" on my license (can't change this yet unfortunately). so now i'm wondering if he saw this and if he's just really cool about me presenting as male or if he didn't notice it, or maybe he doesn't perceive me as male at all. who knows. i essentially would like to be judged on my personality and not my appearance or perceived gender, but i do want to be perceived as male. so we shall see how work goes next week, i start on monday.


09 July, 2008

8 weeks

time for an 8 week update! here is what i've noticed:
-gaining muscle in my arms
-new hair everyday, darker and coarser (legs, arms, stomach, back...everywhere...)
-my voice has really dropped the past week and a half
-facial hair is growing in faster and feels more coarse
-increasing libido
-i think my facial structure is beginning to change
-sweating more
-a bit of acne on my face and back
-slightly less patient

just got back from michigan last night. had a great time with maria. the rothbury festival was awesome- lots of good music, nice people, ecologically-minded, camping, laughing.....pictures to come.