13 March, 2009


today is my ten month mark for being on testosterone. not too many changes to make note of from last month - a bit more body hair, i think my voice got a bit lower and my facial hair has suddenly decided to join the race. i'll be updating my website soon.

and this morning before i got in the shower i noticed a black spot below my right nipple. i thought it was dirt or a blackhead, but upon further inspection i discovered that it was a piece of the dissolvable stitches i had from surgery! the piece was about a quarter inch long and just came right out when i pulled on it. weird.

i've had two very odd dreams lately. in the first dream i was with a woman (a dream girlfriend i think) in wallgreens and saw an old guy friend from high school. he called to me using my birth name a few times and i finally heard him and turned around. i had a full beard, but he kept using my birth name - though there was some unsaid understanding that he knew i am trans. and the second dream - i was at work and my boss called down to my department. i picked up the phone and he called me by my birth name - i froze and didn't know what to do, but eventually said "i don't know what you're talking about". he said he knew and had found my website. right after that another one of my bosses called me and said the same thing. weird.

another transman blogger made an entry a while back about beginning to question his sexuality since he started testosterone. i've noticed a similar pattern in some transguys and wanted to comment honestly on this. i dated several guys in high school, though that was definitely awkward as hell for me and after identifying as a lesbian for several years, i never really paid attention to guys. i had a few guy friends growing up here and there, but i think for the most part i intimidated or scared guys. so i was really never around a lot of guys and never really had any reason to pay attention to them. since beginning my transition, i can definitely say that i notice men more now than i ever have in my entire life. at first this scared me because i was unsure if i was attracted to them or just people watching. while i feel my sexuality is more fluid now and would consider dating a man - although i have no sexual attraction to men - i feel that this noticing is just me trying to find my place in male culture. unfortunately right now i do not have a cisgender (definition: someone who feels that their gender identity matches their birth sex - basically the opposite of transgender) male role model who lives close enough to me that i could consult face-to-face daily about male culture. while i do not feel that i necessarily have to fit a certain or specific male mold, i do feel like i am finding my way in the world in a new body and am being perceived by the public in a very different light.

physically i feel very young - i am going through a second puberty at the age of 24 and feel like i am getting to know my body all over again. i feel awkward and clumsy. i look at men and wonder what type of man i will be - i notice the way they dress, how they style their hair and their facial hair, how they walk, how they greet people, how they hold themselves, how they act with others, what type of vibe project...i notice a lot. while i know that i am always a work in progress and that i will always be growing and changing, i am waiting for my body to catch up with the rest of myself. i know that some of these changes will take a while to actually occur, though through these physical changes i will begin to feel "at home" in my own body and feel connected to my own body, being and spirit. how can one possibly grow as a human being when they refuse to accept a part of their own being? when they refuse to notice their own body? when a part of their being had made them feel so incredibly low that it affects the rest of their being? it's impossible. while beginning hormones has proven to be difficult in some ways, i feel that i am finally at home in my own skin and am finding some peace with this body.


1 comment:

Diana said...

It sounds like your dreams are just stress dreams (no?). You're stressed out about other things (wrapping up school etc) and it definitely manifests in the dreamworld.

One thing I do hope to see one day is a full beard though ha.