31 March, 2009

news and news

excellent news - i've finally finished my thesis...well i finished it about a week ago and pending its approval i will soon have my masters of arts in teaching! after a week of relaxing i am only now beginning to catch up on everything else.

i want to thank everyone who reads my blog and comments - i appreciate your support, participation and insight.

this isn't trans related, but i just saw the movie "the beautiful truth" (2008). if you are interested in food, your health and the environment, i'd suggest you check it out. i found it on netflix and here's the website: www.thebeautifultruthmovie.com

the comments on the phrase "man enough" were great - thanks for your thoughts. stereotypical gender roles are obviously intertwined into language - this quote and many others as evidence. while i'm sure some people use this phrase seriously, i've been fortunate enough to have only heard it used jokingly.

when i was thinking of this phrase and its connotations, the word "metrosexual" came up. wikipedia defines metrosexual as: "...generally applied to heterosexual men with a strong concern for their appearance, and/or whose lifestyles display attributes stereotypically attributed to gay men." i have heard this term used seriously, in fact by my own parents! i think this word is quite silly because when used seriously, it implies that heterosexual men (the manly men, the man enough men....sarcastic tone...) aren't supposed to be concerned with looking good or taking care of themselves, which is ridiculous (who doesn't want to smell good or have clean teeth?). this word has certainly emphasized quite an absurd gender role. i think it also emphasizes society's difficulty to accept people who do not fit stereotypical gender roles or who do not fit into the gender binary (either masculine or feminine). with that said, i'm not a fan of the word.

peace dudes.

20 March, 2009

hello? anyone there?

i've been thinking a lot about the phrase "man enough"

-what do you think of when you hear this?
-are there any connotations surrounding this phrase for you?
-are there any personal experiences linked to this phrase?
-does this phrase feel positive or negative, both or neither, to you?
-do you think this phrase is linked to specific cultural ideas and norms?
-where and in what manner have you heard this phrase used?

i'm interested in hearing what YOU have to say -
leave a comment and let's discuss the ideas surrounding this phrase.
participation is appreciated!


13 March, 2009


today is my ten month mark for being on testosterone. not too many changes to make note of from last month - a bit more body hair, i think my voice got a bit lower and my facial hair has suddenly decided to join the race. i'll be updating my website soon.

and this morning before i got in the shower i noticed a black spot below my right nipple. i thought it was dirt or a blackhead, but upon further inspection i discovered that it was a piece of the dissolvable stitches i had from surgery! the piece was about a quarter inch long and just came right out when i pulled on it. weird.

i've had two very odd dreams lately. in the first dream i was with a woman (a dream girlfriend i think) in wallgreens and saw an old guy friend from high school. he called to me using my birth name a few times and i finally heard him and turned around. i had a full beard, but he kept using my birth name - though there was some unsaid understanding that he knew i am trans. and the second dream - i was at work and my boss called down to my department. i picked up the phone and he called me by my birth name - i froze and didn't know what to do, but eventually said "i don't know what you're talking about". he said he knew and had found my website. right after that another one of my bosses called me and said the same thing. weird.

another transman blogger made an entry a while back about beginning to question his sexuality since he started testosterone. i've noticed a similar pattern in some transguys and wanted to comment honestly on this. i dated several guys in high school, though that was definitely awkward as hell for me and after identifying as a lesbian for several years, i never really paid attention to guys. i had a few guy friends growing up here and there, but i think for the most part i intimidated or scared guys. so i was really never around a lot of guys and never really had any reason to pay attention to them. since beginning my transition, i can definitely say that i notice men more now than i ever have in my entire life. at first this scared me because i was unsure if i was attracted to them or just people watching. while i feel my sexuality is more fluid now and would consider dating a man - although i have no sexual attraction to men - i feel that this noticing is just me trying to find my place in male culture. unfortunately right now i do not have a cisgender (definition: someone who feels that their gender identity matches their birth sex - basically the opposite of transgender) male role model who lives close enough to me that i could consult face-to-face daily about male culture. while i do not feel that i necessarily have to fit a certain or specific male mold, i do feel like i am finding my way in the world in a new body and am being perceived by the public in a very different light.

physically i feel very young - i am going through a second puberty at the age of 24 and feel like i am getting to know my body all over again. i feel awkward and clumsy. i look at men and wonder what type of man i will be - i notice the way they dress, how they style their hair and their facial hair, how they walk, how they greet people, how they hold themselves, how they act with others, what type of vibe project...i notice a lot. while i know that i am always a work in progress and that i will always be growing and changing, i am waiting for my body to catch up with the rest of myself. i know that some of these changes will take a while to actually occur, though through these physical changes i will begin to feel "at home" in my own body and feel connected to my own body, being and spirit. how can one possibly grow as a human being when they refuse to accept a part of their own being? when they refuse to notice their own body? when a part of their being had made them feel so incredibly low that it affects the rest of their being? it's impossible. while beginning hormones has proven to be difficult in some ways, i feel that i am finally at home in my own skin and am finding some peace with this body.


03 March, 2009

four months post-operative top surgery

it's been four months since top surgery already - i can't believe it's been that long. everything is going well with my chest. i'm back to my normal physical activities - snowboarding, running and lifting and feeling good. i'm beginning to see a little bit of muscle definition and i'm getting a little bit of my sensation back (although overall i have little sensation). i'm thinking about getting a revision late in the summer, although am not completely sure about that yet and am waiting to see how my chest continues to heal.

i wanted to write a little bit about the recovery process. i never had major surgery before (i had ear tubes put in and taken out when i was very young and my wisdom teeth removed, but i don't think those are necessary major surgeries). i read up a lot about different transguys recoveries from top surgery before having my surgery to get an idea of what the process would be like for myself. i wasn't exactly sure what to anticipate with recovery. the recovery process is an extremely personal process - with all the reading i did and could have done, i don't think i could have ever fully prepared myself for recovery. i knew i was going to be tired, healing for a while and restricted physically, but it is difficult to anticipate what exactly one's process is going to be like.

for me, recovery wasn't the easiest. the first month i was tired a lot, i got several colds during that time and overall felt pretty beat up. i had difficulties with my left nipple healing properly and that was somewhat nerve racking - i was unsure if my nipple was going to fall off and if it didn't fall off what it would look like. only now, four months later, is my nipple almost fully healed. the recovery process is definitely a whole human experience - something that affects you obviously physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...i definitely had a rough go of it the first few months, but am finally feeling good. i think being able to work out is helping me feel good physically and mentally to see my body begin to take its true form.

i don't think i realized how much anxiety i had built up inside about my chest until i had surgery. i feel so much lighter and freer now. it was frustrating to have to bind everyday - to wear something that was so constraining, uncomfortable and painful. i think what was especially frustrating was that it was something i had to do - i couldn't just put on a t-shirt and go. of course now it's a completely different story and i feel so appreciative i was able to have surgery.

peace dudes.