02 September, 2009

pre-transition anger

a good buddy of mine and i were talking the other day about how angry we both were before beginning our transitions. i thought it might be an interesting subject to post about.

i was a very angry and unhappy person during my high school and college years. i was dissatisfied with my life, how i felt and the circumstances i had been presented with. i felt trapped and unable to help myself and thus my anger. i held onto my anger as if it was my key to freedom - i refused to see how damaging it was. when i would get angry, it would burn in my chest, and i could stay angry for hours. it would ruin my days - often times once i was angry, i had a very difficult time calming down. i would punch walls, hurting myself and sometimes i was even verbally abusive towards those around me.

looking back now at my anger, it is hard to believe how angry i used to be. fortunately, as i was able to come to terms with my trans identity, my anger slowly subsided. and now, i very rarely become angry. i am a generally happy, calm, and easy-going person and feel so fortunate to have been afforded the opportunities i've been afforded the past two years in order to begin my transition and embrace my true gender identity.

anyone else have any experiences around anger they'd like to share?



Anonymous said...

This is definitely an interesting topic.

I've had anger issues in the past... moreso in my teens than now... but still a lot of anger. I don't know if it's related to being pre-medical and legal transition, but it has lifted slightly since I've begun social transition.

I hope some other guys respond to this, because it's intriguing. And you might like to see the results of a study that Colt Meier is running once he finishes it... it's about emotional and psychological changes pre- and post-T.

Luke said...

glad to hear some of your anger has lifted eliot - i hope it continues to lift as you begin your medical transition. yes, i do think it's an intriguing topic - i had almost completely forgotten about my anger and then my friend said something the other night. i am interested to see the results of colt's study.

Anonymous said...

I don't feel angry exactly, but I often feel hostile/passive-aggressive when someone treats me as female. I guess it's a way to turn the pain outwards (I've heard that depression can be anger turned inwards) without really confronting the situation.

I guess it would be best to channel those negative feelings in some other way -- I could try to enforce male pronouns, for instance. But sometimes it's impossible to come out. I guess those trapping situations are the worst; the ones that bring out the anger, frustration and pain.

Anonymous said...

It's Colt. I wanted to update y'all on the progress of the research study. I am almost finished collecting data on over 50 FTMs, average age late 20's, range 16-51 years of age. I am also collecting data from non-trans controls. I'm excited to share the results with the community once the data has been collected and I've finished the analyses.