29 June, 2008

almost seven weeks

went to the graduation party yesterday. not so bad. i knew it wasn't going to be bad. i think my mom just likes to make a bigger deal out of things than they really are. nothing crazy happened like she probably thought. i didn't even speak that much to my mom because she was so busy getting her drink on. i spoke to her a bit this morning, but didn't really feel like shooting the shit with her, so we didn't talk much, which is fine with me. less talk = less momma drama (at least right now). there were a few awkward situations, like me pausing for a minute when someone asked me my name and then someone asked is lucas is a guy's name and if i was brothers with that boy over there. but all in all, it was fine. got to see my good buddy and that made my heart happy.

this tuesday will be seven weeks on t! several new changes i've noticed in the past two weeks: MORE hair, pretty much everywhere, but mostly on my legs. my voice made quite the drop this weekend right before the party (perfect timing). and in terms of my mentality i definitely feel like a teenager going through puberty (again) - mood swings, wanting to be alone, feeling awkward. i'm definitely not enjoying this teenage mentality part of being on t and hope it's just passing through.

going on vacation this next week to MI for the Rothbury music festival - super excited, tons of great groups playing and doing some camping along the way. i'm going to get my website started up after i get back, stay tuned for details.


26 June, 2008

and again...

i called home yesterday just to say hi. my mother immediately asked me why i called - i could tell she was upset about something, who asks their child why they called? i told her i just wanted to say hi and for some reason she thought that was strange. we exchanged a few words and then she got down to what was clearly bothering her. she was upset that i came out to our family friends via e-mail and said that i should have done it by phone. i told her that i felt it was best that i did it through e-mail. she asked me who told me to do it that way and where i sent it from, and i asked her why that matted and she didn't answer. she kept saying that i should have called and told them and that if aunt so and so died that i wouldn't have e-mailed them to tell them. i told her that was different and she said no it's not. at this point in time the conversation was getting heated and i was getting really fed up with her bullshit. unfortunately i let her get the best of me and began yelling. she kept saying that the phone was more appropriate and i said that i would tell everyone from now on on the phone as she wanted me to because she knew what was best (note the sarcasm). then she said that she can never be right in my eyes and that she's always wrong. and i told her that this was exactly what it was about and didn't want to continue the conversation. i asked to speak with my father and she kept asking me why and wouldn't let me talk to him and kept trying to continue the conversation.

my mother is driving me up a wall. i am so glad that i decided to go to the party on saturday instead of a day early because this means one less day with her, but unfortunately one less day with my friends. i'm really not worried about anyone else at the party, except my mother. maybe her seeing other people being comfortable with me will be good for her. i really don't know what to do anymore, how to approach her, how to make her see that what i am doing (pretty much everything i am doing) is for the best and even how to effectively communicate with her. ugh.


25 June, 2008

this guy needs a head check

a friend sent me this article yesterday regarding northampton's trans pride parade. get ready to be angry: http://worldnetdaily.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=67813

...in other news sent an e-mail out to those family friends who are going to be at the graduation party this weekend. i received a response from them yesterday and they were awesome - they said they were happy for me and that i have their support. so that's some sweat off my forehead.


19 June, 2008

my mother

it seems to me that my mother is having a terrible time coming to terms with my trans identity. we've been talking a lot recently because of this party i'm supposed to go to next weekend, seeing our family friends there and coming out to them. obviously my mother is uncomfortable with me being trans and this fact being out in the open to our friends. 

so we spoke the other day on the phone about the party and she said she spoke to my father and my friend's mother (who's hosting the party) about everything. i don't think my dad said much, but she said she told my friend's mother that she didn't want it to be uncomfortable for other people and didn't want me being the center of attention. of course i don't know exactly what was said, but i think she mostly agreed with my mother - though my friend's mother was the one who brought this all up, being concerned that it would me uncomfortable for me (half of the party knowing me as "nicole" and the other half knowing me as "lucas"). 

when my mother and i spoke she was pretty short with me and she said that she didn't want anyone talking about it. i asked her to clarify and she said that she didn't want me being the center of attention. i reminded her that this is not what i was aiming for or wanted or was attempting to do, but if someone brought it up i would not ignore it. she again made a comment about me being the center of attention and i reminded her that it the party is a graduation party and not my party and that it would be exactly that. she sternly said that if anyone asked her about my trans identity she wasn't going to say anything. i told her i didn't expect her to say anything, nor should she have to. 

hearing this from my mother is difficult. i know this is really hard for her and that of course this is going to take some time for her. though i feel like she's putting up so much resistance, trying so hard to deny this reality. it's hard for me because my parents have always been there for me, have always supported me and now i'm finding that this in some ways is not the case. i want to be able to share all of these little victories i've had with them, but i can't. i want to say, 'hey this happened today and it was really neat', but honestly they don't want to hear it, nor care about it. i also understand that this will all take some time for my parents, especially my mother and that i just need to have a lot of patience right now. on the other hand, this resistance i see my mother putting up is not a good sign to me. 

i am home right now for a few days, finishing up some paperwork for my name change, and my mom has been so passive aggressive about everything. no matter what is bothering her, she'll say she's fine. she never talks about what's bothering her or what's on her mind, but i know that something is bothering her. she like to sweep everything under the carpet and pretend that everything is fine. i don't understand this, well i do in the fact that she's in complete denial and of course this communication style makes sense to her. though, how can we make progress, how can she come to terms with this, come to understand and eventually accept this if all she wants to do is pretend everything is okay, ignore everything when she is obviously deeply bothered by it? so this is my mom and where things are at with her right now. 


15 June, 2008


once a young woman asked me,
"how does it feel to be a man?"
and i replied,
"my dear, i am not so sure."
then she said,
"well, aren't you a man?"
and this time i replied,
"i view gender as a beautiful
animal that people often take for
a walk on a leash and might enter
in some odd contest to try to win
strange prizes."
my dear, a better question for Hafiz
would have been,
"how does it feel to be a heart?"
for all i know is love
and i find my heart
infinite and everywhere
-Hafiz (sufi mystic, 1320 - 1389)

14 June, 2008


i was at a friend's house this weekend and around several people who didn't know i'm trans. i was introduced as lucas, but not sure how i passed (didn't get any funny looks or anything...). sometimes i wonder if people actually think i'm a biological male, but just look feminine. i guess it was just an interesting experience because i haven't been around a lot of people lately that don't know i'm trans.

going home next week to hand in the final round of paper work for my name change and change my other ids - ss card, driver's license, bank. changing my name on the other ids looks fairly painless and i'll finally have an id that has my REAL name on it...it's always awkward introducing yourself as one thing and then handing someone an id with another name on it and then having them give you a funny look.

talked to my sister thursday for the first time in a long time. i think she was lonely, otherwise we don't really talk. i think sometimes she just calls me because she's lonely and not necessarily because she misses me and wants to talk to me. she's moving to georgia with her boyfriend the end of the summer and sounded excited about that - had a lot to say. i briefly mentioned my name change and starting hormones and she didn't say anything, just changed the subject. i'm not surprised though with the way she's been handling everything that's been going on with myself. seems like she's handling the situation similarly to my mother, which part of me doesn't understand because she's such an open, understanding and accepting person. there's only so much i can do though and this is a process for her just as it is for myself. i can't force her to do anything - in the end she'll do what she wants to do and follow the path she wants to take.

trying to get my new website underway soon. looking forward to my next injection on tuesday.


10 June, 2008


so my name change is getting published in the syracuse post standard TOMORROW!...which means it's legal....TOMORROW. now all i have to do is change my name on everything else and i am set.

i'm supposed to go to a graduation party the end of june and some family friends are going to be there who i am not out to. my friend and her mother - the people who are throwing the party - suggested that i come out the the family friends who are going to be there. i hadn't even thought of that and didn't know they were going to be there. they were/are concerned about me being comfortable there - how amazing are they? so i thought it would be considerate of me to talk to my mother about this, since she seems to be the most uncomfortable with "the gender thing"(as she likes to refer to my trans identity as). i told my mother i couldn't go to the party without coming out to our friends and that if it made her that uncomfortable that i wouldn't go to the party (however would still come out to them). she wondered if this was the right time and if it would make everyone else uncomfortable and that she would have to "think about it". i began to wonder why i had even called her in the first place because i plan on coming out to them, i guess i just wanted to give her a heads up, but she took it more like me looking for approval. she told me this was difficult for her, asked if i was sure if "it is really a gender thing"
and asked if i'm still seeing my therapist (who i think she blames in the back of her head for me continuing with my transition). i replied that it's difficult for me to continually censor myself in front of family friends, that i couldn't do it anymore and that i am coming out to our friends regardless. i didn't even bother to reply to the "is it really a gender thing" question...i don't even want to know what "it" is referring to. i told her to talk to my friend's mom about this because things are better left said than being swept under the carpet. my mom lives in stealth mode and never likes to tell anyone what's going on, not even her own sister. so i fear that she won't even talk to my friend's mom. i'm hoping to send these family friends an e-mail sooner than later so they can know what's going on with me and have time to think about things before, hopefully, i go to the party.

oh yea, today is my one-month T anniversary - yay.


06 June, 2008


just received word from the court this morning - the court approved my name change! i still have to post something in the newspaper and change my name with ALL of my other ids, but i'm on my way. i'm super excited. i'm on my way out so i will post more later.


05 June, 2008

almost a month

i came home for a few days to see my grandma, who is visiting from pittsburgh. it's difficult to be home because there is so much censoring of my identity. my mom definitely did not want me to say anything to my grandma. i don't even know how she'd react, i'm not so sure she'd even understand. she asked me why my hair is so short and then if all the girls cut their hair short. i told her i cut it short because i like it that way. she didn't say anything else. i think i overheard my mom using male pronouns, maybe a few times, which is amazing and calling me a boy. my brother even called me his brother. progress, slowly but hopefully surely.

it's almost been a month since i've been on T, this coming tuesday will be a month (well how many weeks in a month, 4 or 5?). regardless, i will have been on T for 4 weeks this coming tuesday. so other changes i've noticed, other than the ones i've mentioned before:
-i think i'm gaining more muscle in my arms
-looks like my legs are getting hairier or the hair is getting darker
-my energy continues to increase, along with my libido
-my voice sounds different off and on
-mary claims that my ears look more "manly"
-my facial hair is growing in faster and feels more coarse

still no word on the name change, although i did only send my documents in a week ago. if i get denied again on the basis of "traditional female and male" names and evading my true identity, i'm going to find a lawyer. so we shall see.

i'm in the process of creating my own website, so i can go into further detail about my transition (pictures, voice clips, more information, resources...), stay tuned for the address.