30 September, 2008

last night's dream

just real quick, already had a surgery nightmare...
this is the only part i remember of my dream: my parents were with me for my top surgery and we were waiting in some office or lobby. i suddenly realized that i missed my consultation and that my surgery might get canceled because of that. i got upset and started crying, but my mom calmed me down and assured me that everything would work out. that's all i remember.

i woke up this morning intrigued by this dream for several reasons, one being that my parents were with me during my surgery (that they would take such an active part in my transition), two that i cried (i don't remember the last time i cried, definitely has been a least half a year) and three that it was about my top surgery. i dunno, just something to think about.


28 September, 2008

my new vermont state driver's license

so, i decided to change everything over to vermont stuff - driver's license, plates, etc. because i just bought my friends car and it's honestly easier to change things here than driving an hour to new york and changing things there.
so last week i went to the mobile dmv (it's really not like a mobile home or anything, not like the ones they had in NY, more like the dmv workers are mobile...) to get my driver's license changed over. just had to fill out a few forms and show a few documents for proof of id, not really a big hassle. since my NY state driver's license had an F on it, i believe i am legally bound to fill this out on my paperwork, so i marked an F for sex. i wasn't too worried about it anyone because of my upcoming top surgery - i'll be able to get paperwork to change my gender afterwards. the woman didn't say anything about it and when she handed me my license, she told me to look everything over to make sure the information was correct. name, height, weight, address - everything was correct and then i look down to the sex marker....a big fat M.... i look at the woman...."yea, everything is good, thanks". sweeeeeeet- totally the best mistake that's ever happened. ever.
i actually spoke to someone the other day and he said that several other trans guys who were from out of state and changed to a VT license also had the same thing happen. i'm wondering if the dmv workers think that people keep screwing up on the sex part or if they actually know what's going on and are just trying to help us out....? the only thing i'm worried about is if, for some reason, this "mistake" shows up somewhere (because of the crack-downs on IDs) and they make me change it back. but i guess even this wouldn't be a big problem because soon i'll have my paperwork to change my gender marker.
just wanted to relay some tubular news....


21 September, 2008

progress and surprises

i've been mulling over how i'm going to tell my parents about my top surgery since i started to think about getting surgery and it seems like there's really no great way to tell them...other than to just be honest with them. and i've been trying my best to be open and honest with my parents about my transition because i know this is difficult and confusing for them.

so i called my mom yesterday morning on my way to work just to say hi. she was asking about me coming home for thanksgiving and i told her i was unsure if i could take time off because i had an "engagement" prior in the month that i would need to take time off for. she asked me what it was and i knew i couldn't lie to her, so i told her i was getting top surgery. i don't think she necessarily understands the specifics of top surgery, but definitely understood what i meant. and i was surprised because she didn't sound her usual disappointed as she normally does when i tell her something about my transition. she asked me how i was paying for it and i told her about my loans, which i don't think she's thrilled about because i already have out a lot of money in loans. she also asked me if i wanted my father and her to come and take care of me after the surgery - this surprised the hell out of me because my parents have never been an active part of my transition.

and then more surprises. she told me she read several chapters in a book i gave my parents when i came out to them ("Understanding Transsexualism for Parents, Friends...."). i didn't think she'd ever pick up that book. she continued to say that two things she read really helped her: (1) why would someone turn their life up-side-down for no reason, if someone is going through such a difficult process it must be significant.... and (2) if you change the cover of a book, it is still the same book on the inside. this really made my heart happy, hearing all of this from my mother. dealing with her through my transition has proved by far to be extremely difficult. i've been very patient with her and hearing this from her is kind of like a reward for my patience and a sign that the tables are turning and she is slowly beginning to understand and accept me.


15 September, 2008


so i just hit my four-month mark for being on t!
notable changes this month:
-increased hair growth, specifically on my legs, stomach and face (no sign of a beard yet, only a crustache)
-my jawline has really squared out
-increased acne (face and shoulders)
-muscle growth (arms)

i think those are the most obvious changes this month, of course on top of all of the less notable changes that occur. check out my website for an in-depth analysis of this past month.

i also recently signed up for health care through my employer. i was pretty worried about what gender i'd put on the forms, but decided to put female because insurance fraud at 23 just sounds terrible. i thought the woman who handles the paperwork would say something to me, but she didn't. i suppose she either (a) didn't notice what gender i put, (b) didn't even look at the paperwork, (c) thought i messed up and fixed it for me.... or (d) was just really confused. whatever at least i'll have insurance as of october 1.

and big big big news.......
set my date for top surgery today! i decided to go with dr. beverly fischer (who works out of maryland) because i didn't see traveling to the west coast as an option and i've seen and heard nothing but good things about her work. so my consultation for surgery is monday, november 3rd at 1pm and then i will have surgery on tuesday, november 4th at 9am. the surgery is about 4 hours i believe and after the drugs wear off, i'll be hanging out in a hotel room for a week with my good pal lizzy b. i'm really excited about it, it's coming up really fast too. it's hard to believe for me that i'm actually to this point now. i guess it's similar for me when i started t, just kind of hard to believe that this is becoming a reality.
for those unfamiliar with top surgery, check out this link: www.ftmguide.org/chest.html

i'm going to try to update my website this week and i'll be making a new page to follow my progress through top surgery so make sure to check it out.

peeeeeaaacccee out,

04 September, 2008

where are the dudes?

just some thoughts as of recently, trying to update more frequently...
i have very few male friends and come to think of it, i don't think i have any here right in brattleboro. i was hanging out with a few friends the other night (all women) and for a bit i felt completely out of place. they were talking about makeup and something else and i was really couldn't relate at all. though, i didn't really relate that well to females before, especially really feminine ones.

it was kind of a bummer because it was just a reminder that i don't have any male friends here in VT. i guess what i've been looking for as of lately is just some guys to hang out with, as one can see i've been having a more difficult time relating to my female friends. i can't even say that i'd be able to relate to the guys better. i just have this desire to chill with some guys. maybe it has more to do with how the testosterone has been affecting me - i definitely feel like a teenager and have been acting more like one recently - goofing around a lot more than usual.

there are a few guys at work and i've been feeling somewhat more comfortable with them lately. sometimes i'm pretty tense because i'm terrified that someone is going to be like: "hey you're not a real guy", but i guess that really wouldn't be that bad, unless they were super transphobic. though, i was socialized female and am trying so so so so so hard to be social around the guys at work, but i'm definitely have a terribly difficult time. to me being myself is enough, though sometimes there seems to be this barrier that i just can't break and i never seem to get in on the action or conversations. but maybe part of it is that i'm just too damn tired and bored at work to care about much.