it's been four months since top surgery already - i can't believe it's been that long. everything is going well with my chest. i'm back to my normal physical activities - snowboarding, running and lifting and feeling good. i'm beginning to see a little bit of muscle definition and i'm getting a little bit of my sensation back (although overall i have little sensation). i'm thinking about getting a revision late in the summer, although am not completely sure about that yet and am waiting to see how my chest continues to heal.
i wanted to write a little bit about the recovery process. i never had major surgery before (i had ear tubes put in and taken out when i was very young and my wisdom teeth removed, but i don't think those are necessary major surgeries). i read up a lot about different transguys recoveries from top surgery before having my surgery to get an idea of what the process would be like for myself. i wasn't exactly sure what to anticipate with recovery. the recovery process is an extremely personal process - with all the reading i did and could have done, i don't think i could have ever fully prepared myself for recovery. i knew i was going to be tired, healing for a while and restricted physically, but it is difficult to anticipate what exactly one's process is going to be like.
for me, recovery wasn't the easiest. the first month i was tired a lot, i got several colds during that time and overall felt pretty beat up. i had difficulties with my left nipple healing properly and that was somewhat nerve racking - i was unsure if my nipple was going to fall off and if it didn't fall off what it would look like. only now, four months later, is my nipple almost fully healed. the recovery process is definitely a whole human experience - something that affects you obviously physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...i definitely had a rough go of it the first few months, but am finally feeling good. i think being able to work out is helping me feel good physically and mentally to see my body begin to take its true form.
i don't think i realized how much anxiety i had built up inside about my chest until i had surgery. i feel so much lighter and freer now. it was frustrating to have to bind everyday - to wear something that was so constraining, uncomfortable and painful. i think what was especially frustrating was that it was something i had to do - i couldn't just put on a t-shirt and go. of course now it's a completely different story and i feel so appreciative i was able to have surgery.