28 April, 2008


april 15th i received a letter from the supreme court chambers about my name change application...apparently i filled out the forms wrong:

"the court finds that you did not complete paragraph 6 which asked if you are married or have been married previously...if you have any children...we will need their names and copies of their birth certificates...finally please forward to the court a copy of your driver's license...upon receipt of this information, the court will reconsider your application..."

so after receiving this i looked through all of my paper work to see if it said any of this and like i thought i couldn't find it anywhere in any of the documents - nothing telling me to state that i am or was married, have/had children or anything about a copy of my driver's license. i called up the office and the woman was actually pretty nice compared to my other interactions with workers from the court house. she said that people get their name change applications from different places and therefore they are all different...thus some of them missing imperative information. you think they would have a standard document(s) so this problem doesn't keep occurring. the secretary then proceeded to ask me if i am/was married or have children and i told her no and she said "okay". i asked her if i needed to submit this in writing and she said she didn't know, she had to check with the law clerk. i called again today and she said she's still waiting for an answer. i think if i don't hear by the end of the week i'm just going to write up something and send it in instead of waiting. how difficult is it to answer this question...?

t-minus two weeks until my appointment with the endocrinologist. martha is going with me, i'm going to make her take pictures and ask all of the questions i'll probably forget about. oh man, i'm so ready to start t (testosterone, and "t" as it's popularly known to the trans community), but i know these two weeks are going to fly by. 


21 April, 2008


i am the only transgender student at school. 
think about how it would feel to be the only something anywhere...
i've been feeling more isolated as of lately being the only transman here. i have trans friends, but they aren't here. along with this this school is FULL of women (which is amazing), but i definitely feel weird being around so many women all the time. the few guys that are here are awesome and i hang out with them...i suppose i feel trapped in between these genders - definitely not female, although not yet male. i feel more and more like an outsider when hanging out with women, and more and more disconnected from that community i used to be a part of. i'm trying to hang out with more guys, but even hanging out with biomales (biological males) can be awkward for me. i always feel hyper-sensitive about how i carry myself and how they perceive me. i'm continually wondering how biomales view transmales

13 April, 2008

one month

one month from today i have my first appointment with an endocrinologist to begin hormone therapy. i won't start testosterone on that day, it will probably just be a lot of paper work and talking. but hopefully i can start soon thereafter. it's hard to believe that this possibility is getting closer and closer. i feel like i've been waiting so long and at times hormone therapy didn't even seem possible. the closer my appointment gets the more real this feels. 

i've talked to a bunch of friends about beginning hormones and a lot of them have asked me a similar question: "are you nervous/scared?" i suppose a small part of me is nervous because there is some uncertainty, but mostly i feel ready. beginning hormones means settling into the me i know i am, being able to pass, allowing others to see the me i know i am, aligning my mind, body and soul - and that, as simple as it may sound, is incredibly significant. 

07 April, 2008


i went home last week instead of going to the huge TESOL conference in new york city. my mom was the only one home, which was good because it gave us a chance to talk. she feels likes she's losing me - i wasn't surprised to hear this. i can't imagine what it must be like for a parent to deal with having a transgender child - i'm not saying it's bad or anything, i just think, seeing my mother go through this process, it must be incredibly difficult and confusing. she cried a bit and voiced her concern for myself and my future. i think she's mainly worried about how difficult life may be for me. i know i have her support and it's good that we talked because this was about the first time we actually talked about my transgender identity since coming out to her four months ago. 

my sister is another story. i told her i was putting my paperwork through to change my name and she told me she didn't understand (myself, my identity). i told her, it's alright you don't have to understand, just remember i'm the same person. she then told me that i'm very far away from who i used to be and that i'll never be happy. so i told her that if this is the way she's going to support me (by putting me down) that i don't want to hear it. this of course hurt, but what she said does not surprise me. she's been going through a rough time for a while and i think it may be hard for her to see others finding stability and finding themselves. i don't know, this may be the case, it may not be. this girl is just about the hardest girl to love. i've supported endlessly through everything she's been through - through her ups and downs. it's very difficult to not receive support from someone who you've supported endlessly and someone you'd expect support from. i don't know what to do about her, but i think leaving her alone is probably the best thing i can do now. 

05 April, 2008

changing the name

so i've gotten the first round  of paperwork done, i just have to wait to the judge to sign my order and then the running around can start all over again. so wednesday i went down to the courthouse (of course after doing lots of research) to get the paperwork because i wasn't sure if the forms i found online would be okay to use. i was able to fill out most of the paperwork, but the request for judicial intervention (rji) is damn confusing. i asked one of the workers to help me fill it out and she said no. i was a bit confused when she said no because several people had said they had help filling out that paper and even the woman at the front desk said someone would help me (i later looked on their website and saw a note saying by law workers in the courthouse are not allowed to help fill out paperwork - i'm curious to know the last time the site was updated...). so thursday i went back with everything filled out and handed it in.

so for all of you living in onondaga county (new york) here is what you need initially (changing your name varies from state to state and county to county):
1 - a certified birth certificate, certified just means it's not a copy and it has the raised seal on it (i thought the woman at the office was going to copy this, but she actually stapled it to my paperwork so who knows if i'm getting that back...oops)
2 - a petition for a name change
3 - an order for a name change
4 - a request for judicial intervention (3 copies - 1 original, 2 copies)
5 - an application for an index number
6 - $210 dollars for an index number (no checks or credit cards, only cash and money orders)
**numbers 2 through 5 you can pick up on the third floor, room 302, of the courthouse (401 montgomery street, syracuse, ny)

steps to changing your name:
1 - i would suggest filling out all of your paperwork and handing it in at the same time. the petition and order are very easy to fill out and you can definitely do those on your own (there are a few places you need to leave blank: the top of the order for a name change, the space for the date on the second page, anywhere it says index number and the last page of the order where the judge has to sign...and then with the petition DON'T sign it right away...i'll get back to this)

2 - filling out the RJI (i'm trying to remember as best as i can...i forgot to make a copy of this for myself): at the top it says "plaintiff v. defendant", you need to fill in your full legal name v. name change. for the first row of boxes "nature of judicial intervention", check the other box and underneath write "application for name change". for the next row of boxes you check something under the torts section (i'm going to check up on this and update later). second page...pretty sure you check no for everything and then under the attorney section - plaintiff- (if you're self-representing) check the self representing box and write your name, address and phone number. then at the bottom there is a question about this "case" being related to other cases...i just wrote "no" or "N/A" and then you have to sign and date the bottom.

3 - filling out the application for an index number: the box on the top left entitled "title of action or proceeding", fill in your full legal name and under that write "name change". in the box to the right check the "civil" box. in the next section, write your name, address and phone number in the plaintiff section.

4 - before handing everything in and getting your index number, get your petition notarized. you can do this at the clerk's office (room 200) for free. the woman at the front desk did it for me, she just asked for i.d. and then i signed it in front of her and she stamped the petition. 

5 - hand in all of your paperwork! the woman will stamp all of your papers with your index number - no worries. i handed everything in at the same time, however i think if you hand in your RJI at a different time you have to pay ($95) for that also. oh yea fork over your $210 to the dude. you'll receive a receipt with your index number on it. 

so this is where i'm at now. i've heard that it can take anywhere from a week to a few months for the court to get back to you. hopefully the judge will sign your order and send it back to you. you then need to get a legal notice published in a newspaper (i am using the catholic sun because it's the cheapest). the exact words you need to print are on the second page of the order...so i'm not going to go into the details of this because i haven't done it yet, but of course will update this when i do (hopefully soon). 

this website has been extremely helpful: http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/newyorkstaenc.html
along with this website: http://www.nycourts.gov/forms/namechange.shtml

and of course major props to diana for helping me fill out my rji!
this of course can be a confusing and frustrating process but remember many people have done it before and are willing to help you - stay strong and don't give up.

peace and love

03 April, 2008

names and dates and times

after much confusion, i've finally handed in my paperwork for changing my name. i don't know when i'll receive my order (could be a week or could be months), but i did it. i'm taking steps to make my reality legal. i'm going to outline everything i've done for this process later, maybe it'll be helpful for someone else in the future. peace.

02 April, 2008

to begin

hey dudes-

lucas here...
thought now would be a good time to start my blog, things ARE happening. 

i was born, raised and socialized as a female, but feel in my heart, my mind and soul that i was born into the wrong body - a male born into a female body. life certainly has been a difficult and confusing journey at times, but i feel that if there is transparency with trans issues and experiences, we all may be a little better off. i am creating a blog not for myself, but those out there in the trans community looking for support and of course to keep those i love updated on everything. 

stay tuned, updates to come...