home

i went home last week instead of going to the huge TESOL conference in new york city. my mom was the only one home, which was good because it gave us a chance to talk. she feels likes she's losing me - i wasn't surprised to hear this. i can't imagine what it must be like for a parent to deal with having a transgender child - i'm not saying it's bad or anything, i just think, seeing my mother go through this process, it must be incredibly difficult and confusing. she cried a bit and voiced her concern for myself and my future. i think she's mainly worried about how difficult life may be for me. i know i have her support and it's good that we talked because this was about the first time we actually talked about my transgender identity since coming out to her four months ago. 

my sister is another story. i told her i was putting my paperwork through to change my name and she told me she didn't understand (myself, my identity). i told her, it's alright you don't have to understand, just remember i'm the same person. she then told me that i'm very far away from who i used to be and that i'll never be happy. so i told her that if this is the way she's going to support me (by putting me down) that i don't want to hear it. this of course hurt, but what she said does not surprise me. she's been going through a rough time for a while and i think it may be hard for her to see others finding stability and finding themselves. i don't know, this may be the case, it may not be. this girl is just about the hardest girl to love. i've supported endlessly through everything she's been through - through her ups and downs. it's very difficult to not receive support from someone who you've supported endlessly and someone you'd expect support from. i don't know what to do about her, but i think leaving her alone is probably the best thing i can do now.