29 December, 2008

home.

so i ended up going home for a few days to be with my family. i was super anxious about going home because i'm not out to my grandma and i thought i'd be throwing myself to the wolves. i was so anxious that i thought about not going home. but i did and my time home and with my family went a lot better than i thought it was going to go.

for the first time i felt like i could really be home and be comfortable there. i think a lot of it has to do with my parents finally coming around. although my mom and i have being fighting a bit lately, i feel like her and my father are finally beginning to see me how i want to be seen and how i see myself. one night they both gave me really big hugs and both said something about how they were happy i came and how they loved me. i'm really glad i decided to go - i think it was a pivotal trip home - something that i needed to do and something my family needed to experience. my body has changed a lot in the last four months since i'd seen then last and i'm growing more comfortable in my own body and i think it helped for them to see all of that.

i also had a good talk with my brother one night about surgery and transition. we don't talk a whole lot, so i'm glad we got time together. i saw some good friends also, which was great. one friend mentioned that she told her mom about me and her mom said she really wanted to see me and reconnect. i guess that's really what i feel my experience at home was - reconnecting. now that i'm finally coming into my own, finally living in a body i feel somewhat comfortable with, i'm beginning to be more comfortable with myself, i feel like i'm reconnecting with friends and family in this new body. not that i didn't connect before...but there was a lot going on, a lot of discomfort, self-hatred, confusion, fogginess. everything now just feels so much more clear, so much lighter.

peace

1 comment:

Diana said...

It was really great to see you at home! There was one kind of awkward moment when your friend just flat out said "him" about you and even the grams heard, but I'm glad everything went well overall. Always good to see you--and great beer!