so i ended up going home for a few days to be with my family. i was super anxious about going home because i'm not out to my grandma and i thought i'd be throwing myself to the wolves. i was so anxious that i thought about not going home. but i did and my time home and with my family went a lot better than i thought it was going to go.
for the first time i felt like i could really be home and be comfortable there. i think a lot of it has to do with my parents finally coming around. although my mom and i have being fighting a bit lately, i feel like her and my father are finally beginning to see me how i want to be seen and how i see myself. one night they both gave me really big hugs and both said something about how they were happy i came and how they loved me. i'm really glad i decided to go - i think it was a pivotal trip home - something that i needed to do and something my family needed to experience. my body has changed a lot in the last four months since i'd seen then last and i'm growing more comfortable in my own body and i think it helped for them to see all of that.
i also had a good talk with my brother one night about surgery and transition. we don't talk a whole lot, so i'm glad we got time together. i saw some good friends also, which was great. one friend mentioned that she told her mom about me and her mom said she really wanted to see me and reconnect. i guess that's really what i feel my experience at home was - reconnecting. now that i'm finally coming into my own, finally living in a body i feel somewhat comfortable with, i'm beginning to be more comfortable with myself, i feel like i'm reconnecting with friends and family in this new body. not that i didn't connect before...but there was a lot going on, a lot of discomfort, self-hatred, confusion, fogginess. everything now just feels so much more clear, so much lighter.