18 October, 2008

work and such

today at work, one of my co-workers began asking me about the difference between the terms "cross dresser" and "transvestite" and then continued with "transgender" and "transsexual". i was a bit nervous where the conversation was going, but it seemed harmless and my co-worker seemed interested in understanding these terms. it was pretty cool to be able to tell her the differences between everything - kind of schooling someone about my community (but not having them know i'm even part of the community). i was worried she was going to say she found my website, i wouldn't be surprised if someone did, all you have to do is google my name....that is if you can spell my last name.

i've also been thinking about work at lot lately in terms of me constantly being in the public eye - whether that eye is my co-workers or customers in the store. honestly, for the most part i don't care what others think of me or how they perceive me - i'm a work in progress and going through a lot of changes right now. though sometimes being in the public eye so much can be a bit stressful - the looks some people give me are terrible. and to know that people are constantly judging you based on how you look isn't quite comforting. at least for me right now it's not. i know who i am inside, i know that person well, but i don't exactly see that person on the outside and am still waiting for him to shine through. i know as time passes and testosterone continues its effects, i will look more like how i feel.

lastly, i've been thinking about work in terms of me being stealth. i am fairly positive no one at work knows i'm trans. i could be wrong, i don't know. i suppose it's just strange hiding that part of myself right now when it seems to be the thing that is taking up so much of my time and energy. i can't say that i would feel completely comfortable disclosing my trans identity with my co-workers - unfortunately many of them seem quick to judge and criticize. although, it is difficult keeping everything hidden that may indicate i'm trans (e.g. what sports i played growing up...etc). i guess at this point in time i feel incredibly vulnerable and simply don't feel comfortable disclosing. maybe it would be a different story if i worked with different people...?



Anonymous said...

since reading your post i've been wondering something, and maybe you don't know the answer... when you get looks that are terrible, what do you imagine they are thinking? are they questioning your gender?

hang in there!!


Anonymous said...

That's cool that you could educate your coworker, but it has to be rough being stealth on the job.

Maybe, if you are worried about the google thing being a serious problem, you could change things around a little bit online. It wouldn't be easy, considering that the website is your name, but it might be worth it. Maybe you already know this but there is a character called Luka Kovac on the TV show ER... if you went as Lucas Kovac online it would bury your results in loads of tv stuff.

I hope things go well with your job though, and that people stop giving you mean looks. Maybe as time goes by you will be treated better.