19 June, 2008

my mother

it seems to me that my mother is having a terrible time coming to terms with my trans identity. we've been talking a lot recently because of this party i'm supposed to go to next weekend, seeing our family friends there and coming out to them. obviously my mother is uncomfortable with me being trans and this fact being out in the open to our friends. 

so we spoke the other day on the phone about the party and she said she spoke to my father and my friend's mother (who's hosting the party) about everything. i don't think my dad said much, but she said she told my friend's mother that she didn't want it to be uncomfortable for other people and didn't want me being the center of attention. of course i don't know exactly what was said, but i think she mostly agreed with my mother - though my friend's mother was the one who brought this all up, being concerned that it would me uncomfortable for me (half of the party knowing me as "nicole" and the other half knowing me as "lucas"). 

when my mother and i spoke she was pretty short with me and she said that she didn't want anyone talking about it. i asked her to clarify and she said that she didn't want me being the center of attention. i reminded her that this is not what i was aiming for or wanted or was attempting to do, but if someone brought it up i would not ignore it. she again made a comment about me being the center of attention and i reminded her that it the party is a graduation party and not my party and that it would be exactly that. she sternly said that if anyone asked her about my trans identity she wasn't going to say anything. i told her i didn't expect her to say anything, nor should she have to. 

hearing this from my mother is difficult. i know this is really hard for her and that of course this is going to take some time for her. though i feel like she's putting up so much resistance, trying so hard to deny this reality. it's hard for me because my parents have always been there for me, have always supported me and now i'm finding that this in some ways is not the case. i want to be able to share all of these little victories i've had with them, but i can't. i want to say, 'hey this happened today and it was really neat', but honestly they don't want to hear it, nor care about it. i also understand that this will all take some time for my parents, especially my mother and that i just need to have a lot of patience right now. on the other hand, this resistance i see my mother putting up is not a good sign to me. 

i am home right now for a few days, finishing up some paperwork for my name change, and my mom has been so passive aggressive about everything. no matter what is bothering her, she'll say she's fine. she never talks about what's bothering her or what's on her mind, but i know that something is bothering her. she like to sweep everything under the carpet and pretend that everything is fine. i don't understand this, well i do in the fact that she's in complete denial and of course this communication style makes sense to her. though, how can we make progress, how can she come to terms with this, come to understand and eventually accept this if all she wants to do is pretend everything is okay, ignore everything when she is obviously deeply bothered by it? so this is my mom and where things are at with her right now. 



Diana said...

:\ Sorry things are difficult with the moms. I'm sure it's hard for her to try to digest it while you're also telling everyone about it, you know? She probably doesn't have a firm grasp on the concept yet.

Maybe you can try to find literature for her about being a parent of a transitioning transgendered person?

Iara said...

Do you think your mom would be open to going to some sort of therapy or counseling session with you? Maybe she needs an objective person to facilitate communication between the two of you. There's obviously a lot that needs to be said and resentment and anger will only build and bury itself deeper and deeper if these issues aren't discussed soon. Peace n love.