10 June, 2008

censorship

so my name change is getting published in the syracuse post standard TOMORROW!...which means it's legal....TOMORROW. now all i have to do is change my name on everything else and i am set.

i'm supposed to go to a graduation party the end of june and some family friends are going to be there who i am not out to. my friend and her mother - the people who are throwing the party - suggested that i come out the the family friends who are going to be there. i hadn't even thought of that and didn't know they were going to be there. they were/are concerned about me being comfortable there - how amazing are they? so i thought it would be considerate of me to talk to my mother about this, since she seems to be the most uncomfortable with "the gender thing"(as she likes to refer to my trans identity as). i told my mother i couldn't go to the party without coming out to our friends and that if it made her that uncomfortable that i wouldn't go to the party (however would still come out to them). she wondered if this was the right time and if it would make everyone else uncomfortable and that she would have to "think about it". i began to wonder why i had even called her in the first place because i plan on coming out to them, i guess i just wanted to give her a heads up, but she took it more like me looking for approval. she told me this was difficult for her, asked if i was sure if "it is really a gender thing"
and asked if i'm still seeing my therapist (who i think she blames in the back of her head for me continuing with my transition). i replied that it's difficult for me to continually censor myself in front of family friends, that i couldn't do it anymore and that i am coming out to our friends regardless. i didn't even bother to reply to the "is it really a gender thing" question...i don't even want to know what "it" is referring to. i told her to talk to my friend's mom about this because things are better left said than being swept under the carpet. my mom lives in stealth mode and never likes to tell anyone what's going on, not even her own sister. so i fear that she won't even talk to my friend's mom. i'm hoping to send these family friends an e-mail sooner than later so they can know what's going on with me and have time to think about things before, hopefully, i go to the party.

oh yea, today is my one-month T anniversary - yay.

peace,
lucas

1 comment:

capp said...

i am incredibly happy for you and everything you're doing and all the steps you're taking to become the person you're meant to be. there is a noticeable difference in how happy and comfortable you are and if i can pick up on that with our limited contact, i hope your mother will do the same and make that her top priority. i love you. stay strong!