home.

so i ended up going home for a few days to be with my family. i was super anxious about going home because i'm not out to my grandma and i thought i'd be throwing myself to the wolves. i was so anxious that i thought about not going home. but i did and my time home and with my family went a lot better than i thought it was going to go.

for the first time i felt like i could really be home and be comfortable there. i think a lot of it has to do with my parents finally coming around. although my mom and i have being fighting a bit lately, i feel like her and my father are finally beginning to see me how i want to be seen and how i see myself. one night they both gave me really big hugs and both said something about how they were happy i came and how they loved me. i'm really glad i decided to go - i think it was a pivotal trip home - something that i needed to do and something my family needed to experience. my body has changed a lot in the last four months since i'd seen then last and i'm growing more comfortable in my own body and i think it helped for them to see all of that.

i also had a good talk with my brother one night about surgery and transition. we don't talk a whole lot, so i'm glad we got time together. i saw some good friends also, which was great. one friend mentioned that she told her mom about me and her mom said she really wanted to see me and reconnect. i guess that's really what i feel my experience at home was - reconnecting. now that i'm finally coming into my own, finally living in a body i feel somewhat comfortable with, i'm beginning to be more comfortable with myself, i feel like i'm reconnecting with friends and family in this new body. not that i didn't connect before...but there was a lot going on, a lot of discomfort, self-hatred, confusion, fogginess. everything now just feels so much more clear, so much lighter.

peace

old man.

just a bit of randomness.
saw neil young in concert saturday night - simply amazing. at 63 this dude is still rockin' hard. my favorite song of the night - cortez the killer.

my birthday is thursday - according to the 365 days per year calendar (damnit what's the name of it?) i'll be 24. however, i really don't feel 24 - whatever feeling 24 is supposed to feel like. maturity wise i feel like i'm in my late 30's.
hormonally i feel like i'm 12.
intellectually i feel ageless.
emotionally i feel everywhere between 12 and 50.
what a strange thing age is.

here is my rant on work. work sucks.

i started to work on my thesis again (had to put work aside because of surgery). my deadline is april 1 and i am determined to finish. upon finishing and getting it approved/passed i will have my masters of arts in teaching (MAT), specifically in teaching english to speakers of other languages (TESOL). this is my ticket out of retail. i'm hoping for a teaching job for next fall - where? who knows...wherever a job takes me i guess - i'm up for an adventure.

peace.

this and that

before i forget...an interesting article about MTFs in Mexico: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/07/weekinreview/07lacey.html?_r=1

i thought i would do a little update since i haven't in a while....
today is my 5 week anniversary since my top surgery. my right side is all healed and looks great - i've been using maderma and palmer's therapy oil on my chest two to three times a day to help with the scarring and scar tissue. my left side is looking better, though it appears that somehow half of my nipple graft has died - there's a mass of black tissue hanging that looks like it will fall off any day now. i'm waiting to see how it will heal and it will take some time. while i'm not happy with how the left side has healed, i know there's nothing i can do about it right now other than let my body heal. i know eventually, possibly after a revision, my chest will look the way i want it to...just some time and patience. i will post pictures of my chest today on my website.

oh yea and i'm coming up on 7 months being on testosterone this saturday. i think the biggest change this past month has been HAIR. my facial hair is growing in faster and i now have to shave my face twice a week. my happy trail is definitely visible now and the rest of my body hair continues to grow also. i'll do a more detailed update on my site soon, but really the biggest change has been the hair.

so i sent my coming out letters to most of my extended family (not my grandmas) last week and my parents decided together that a phone call would be less of a surprise than a letter (...i'm still trying to figure this one out). so i'm out! from what my parents said about their conversations, everyone sounded for the most part supportive - of course i have yet to speak to any of those people about this. i did receive an e-mail from one of my aunts, which was supportive and caring. i know it'll take everyone time to be comfortable and to understand this and i'm willing to give them all the time they need. i'm just happy to have this off of my shoulders.

i'm going home in a few weeks to spend time with my family for the holidays. i really want to go home to just relax and spend time with the people i love, especially since i haven't seen them in four plus months. but the more i think about going home, the more i think i don't really want to go home. my grandma is going to be there and i'm not out to her and i'm just concerned that my time home will be awkward and uncomfortable for me (and i guess in some ways i expect this). i don't things will be uncomfortable with my gram, she's awesome, we always just have fun together - but since she doesn't know everyone will have to use my old name and female pronouns and THAT will definitely be awkward. and i know it'll feel like i'm hiding something from my gram, because i am....i guess i just hate censoring myself, especially when it is something as essential as one's identity. it's stifling and i know in some ways will put me on edge. i'm just hoping that i can find some type of middle ground when i'm home where i can feel somewhat comfortable.

peace.

national public radio

yet another reason why i love npr:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=97591676
check it out.

changing my birth certificate and passport

just a quick note...
i started the research on how to change my name and gender on my birth certificate and passport. i was able to find a lot of information about changing my b.c., but also sent an e-mail to the vital records department asking for specific information. luckily new york allows you to change your gender on your b.c., so i'm happy i was born in a state that lets you do this. i was reading that the process for changing your name and gender is a bit more lengthy in new york than in other states and if the information i found is correct it looks like i'll need some more paperwork.

and as far as my passport. i found stuff concerning a name change, just couldn't find anything about gender, at least on the government webpage....so i sent out an e-mail asking for specific information. but i'm fairly sure i just need to send out my name change paperwork and the letter from dr. fischer. i'm just worried i need to send a b.c. also and i definitely don't have that.

i'm happy to get this process underway because it looks like i'll be traveling - where has yet to be decided - next summer and might need my passport.

tomorrow is four weeks since my top surgery. i've been updating my website a lot with everything that has been going on and trying my best to update here. i had a crazy fever last week and called dr.fischer's office about it and they put me back on oral antibiotics. my chest is looking good - well the right side...the left side is taking its time healing and i still have a scab on part of my nipple/areola. i've been using the antibiotic cream twice a day on it. my energy is definitely back up and my range of movement is coming back. i'm getting really impatient about the limited physical activity piece of recovery, but know it's for the best.

happy december.
peace.