where are the dudes?

just some thoughts as of recently, trying to update more frequently...
i have very few male friends and come to think of it, i don't think i have any here right in brattleboro. i was hanging out with a few friends the other night (all women) and for a bit i felt completely out of place. they were talking about makeup and something else and i was really couldn't relate at all. though, i didn't really relate that well to females before, especially really feminine ones.

it was kind of a bummer because it was just a reminder that i don't have any male friends here in VT. i guess what i've been looking for as of lately is just some guys to hang out with, as one can see i've been having a more difficult time relating to my female friends. i can't even say that i'd be able to relate to the guys better. i just have this desire to chill with some guys. maybe it has more to do with how the testosterone has been affecting me - i definitely feel like a teenager and have been acting more like one recently - goofing around a lot more than usual.

there are a few guys at work and i've been feeling somewhat more comfortable with them lately. sometimes i'm pretty tense because i'm terrified that someone is going to be like: "hey you're not a real guy", but i guess that really wouldn't be that bad, unless they were super transphobic. though, i was socialized female and am trying so so so so so hard to be social around the guys at work, but i'm definitely have a terribly difficult time. to me being myself is enough, though sometimes there seems to be this barrier that i just can't break and i never seem to get in on the action or conversations. but maybe part of it is that i'm just too damn tired and bored at work to care about much.

peace,
luke