04 September, 2008

where are the dudes?

just some thoughts as of recently, trying to update more frequently...
i have very few male friends and come to think of it, i don't think i have any here right in brattleboro. i was hanging out with a few friends the other night (all women) and for a bit i felt completely out of place. they were talking about makeup and something else and i was really couldn't relate at all. though, i didn't really relate that well to females before, especially really feminine ones.

it was kind of a bummer because it was just a reminder that i don't have any male friends here in VT. i guess what i've been looking for as of lately is just some guys to hang out with, as one can see i've been having a more difficult time relating to my female friends. i can't even say that i'd be able to relate to the guys better. i just have this desire to chill with some guys. maybe it has more to do with how the testosterone has been affecting me - i definitely feel like a teenager and have been acting more like one recently - goofing around a lot more than usual.

there are a few guys at work and i've been feeling somewhat more comfortable with them lately. sometimes i'm pretty tense because i'm terrified that someone is going to be like: "hey you're not a real guy", but i guess that really wouldn't be that bad, unless they were super transphobic. though, i was socialized female and am trying so so so so so hard to be social around the guys at work, but i'm definitely have a terribly difficult time. to me being myself is enough, though sometimes there seems to be this barrier that i just can't break and i never seem to get in on the action or conversations. but maybe part of it is that i'm just too damn tired and bored at work to care about much.


1 comment:

Eliot Newton said...

Maybe you can meet some new male friends at a hobby?

I hope you have better luck, and aren't so tired and bored this week.