you're having ovarian pain, lucas?

a receptionist asked me this question the other day over the phone and it just sounded hysterical to me. who knows what she thought - though she was very kind and professional. i was a bit surprised i didn't get a "huh, i don't understand how you, a male, could be having ovarian pain...?"

to back it up a bit, i've been having terrible pain in my ovaries, uterus, etcetera, etcetera, since this summer and it has been getting increasingly worse. i stopped menstruating after about 4 or 5 months on testosterone if i remember correctly, though even when i did menstruate it was completely terrible (and not solely based on the fact that it was just happening). i would be in agony, laid out on the couch for several days, barfing, couldn't eat, the whole nine yards. now, it's pretty much the same minus the bleeding and more pain throughout the month.

i spoke to my gp about it a while back and we talked about the pain. she told me if i was still having pain in a month to come back. a month later, still in pain, so i scheduled an ultrasound. i'm fairly positive i was supposed to have an internal and external ultrasound, though i think someone along the way was like "wtf, this dude is supposed to have an internal ultrasound...?!" and canceled it. so i had the external ultrasound done - i was a bit nervous because i thought i was having the internal and that's just no fun at all. here's the exchange the technician doing the ultrasound and myself had:

tech: so you're having pain in your abdomen?
me: yup
tech: well, this should be straight forward since you're a guy
me: (long pause)....actually i'm transgender
tech: oh okay (looks over at me, long pause), hmmmm
me: yea

i definitely caught the technician off guard! he was surprised, though continued to act in a professional manner. the ultrasound came out normal, which is good though i cannot ignore the fact that i'm still in pain. i didn't bother to make a follow up with my gp because she would just tell me to go see an obgyn or some specialist - there's not much she can tell me to begin with. so i took it the task upon myself and made an appointment with a trans-friendly obgyn. i have no idea how this will be charged to my insurance company or what chaos will ensue as a result of me, marked with a big fat M for male with my insurance policy, going to an obgyn. i'm just going to deal with it as it comes because i'm not going to sit around and do nothing about this pain.

essentially it would be nice to have a hysterectomy, oophorectomy and whatever other -ectomies they can do down there. obviously something in said region is causing my pain, i don't need the parts (i have no intention whatsoever of attempting to birth my own children) and really who wants to worry about potentially bleeding if for some completely horrid reason i have to go off of or do not have access to t? i don't...did i mention i'm in pain...

peace.

my partner in crime

one piece of transitioning that gave me a lot anxiety was dating. i began my social and medical transition single and remained so for about the next year and a half. i am glad i remained single during that time because it allowed me to focus my energy on myself during a time of great change. when i thought about dating and even when i felt ready to date again i was nervous about how my trans identity would influence dating. how and when would i come out to the person? how would they react? would it even matter to them? would i be dumped on account of my trans identity? dating then felt like quite an overwhelming task.

i met my partner, who i've been dating for the past (almost) 5 months, back in august. she actually accidentally (in a way) found out about my trans identity - someone slipped up in a conversation and someone later clarified. she knew of my trans identity even before we began dating and it's never really mattered to her - she sees me for me. i feel incredibly lucky to have found someone who is just so open and non-judgmental. with that said, things have been great and it's been invigorating to be in a close and meaningful relationship again.

we actually had an interesting discussion the other night and she said something that i hadn't expected her to say - she said that she doesn't see me as a trans person. she met me as a male and sees me that way. and moreover she sees me for the person i am on the inside. i can understand her perspective - i know that when i meet medically transitioned trans people it's difficult to picture them as the opposite sex because all you're presented with is that person's present self.

she has actually told her family that i'm trans and none of them seem to have any problems with it - thanks nor. cal. hippies! i really appreciate that i can be open with her and out to her family. i think it would be difficult for me if i were dating someone who had issues with me being trans (not that i think i would or could date someone like that...) or someone who had issues with me being open about my trans status.

so that's that for now.
peace.

the codes of gender

i found this documentary on mediaed.org and thought i would share it - you can watch the entire video in "preview" mode. it talks mostly about masculinity and femininity and how these are perceived by the public through advertising and the media - basically how stereotypical gender roles are perpetuated through advertising and the media. the doc certainly wasn't something new - but definitely something worth hearing again (and again and again). check it out.
the codes of gender

peace!

ketchup

this post actually has nothing to do with ketchup, more so with the task of catching my readers up. it's been a while since i've last written - my apologies, my life has seemed more chaotic in the past month than it has been in a while. i was sick with a bad flu for about two weeks and still feel like i haven't fully gained my strength back. right after my flu symptoms subsided, my grandmother passed away quite suddenly. i wasn't very close to her for most of my life, though after coming out to her this summer, i was able to reconnect with her. we corresponded via snail mail for about four months before her passing. while i feel saddened by her passing, i feel joy in the fact that i listened to myself, came out to her and thus was able to reconnect with her. for me it has been amazing to have my two grandmothers react so incredibly well to my coming out - they have reacted better than anyone in my family, even my immediate family. while the understanding of my situation may not be there, i know that both of my grandmothers still love/loved me for me.

i was quite anxious about attending my grandmother's funeral because i had not seen my father's side of the family since coming out to then. on top of this i only heard from one cousin when i did come out to then last november, so i was unsure of how my family would act towards me. upon arriving at the funeral home my brother and i met one of my dad's cousins in the parking lot. she remembered my brother right away, but of course not me. so i introduced myself and her response was: "i'm sorry i don't understand the connection...". she walked away very confused. when we entered the funeral home she came up to us and stated again that she was confused and didn't understand the connection, whereupon my aunt came up and said: "this is lucas [last name], nathan's brother and larry's son, he was formally [female name]...". this woman, my dad's cousin, actually reacted very well - like this was a fact, like that was that and there was nothing more to it, nothing to dispute, nothing to think badly of. i was really surprised my aunt had advocated for me - i really had no idea what to say to my dad's cousin, i've never encountered such a direct situation before! afterwards, my aunt starting crying and apologized she never responded to my coming out letter - she said she didn't know what to say. she continued that my grandmother had actually yelled at her for not saying anything to me! and then she welcomed me to the family. i was shocked that she had actually said something to me and that my grandmother had yelled at her! what an amazing grandmother! i suppose death puts many things in perspective.

an amusing side-story to this whole story was that my brother and i stayed together at my other grandmother's apartment during the funeral. i suppose no one ever bothered to show my brother how to tie a tie (really dad?!). so i, the younger brother, the brother who just learned how to tie a tie two years ago, was the one who tied my brother's tie the entire time! i asked my dad about this (as my brother is almost 30!) and he chalked it up to bad motor skills - highly doubtful! i attempted to teach him how to do it himself, but time constraints required me to actually tie it for him.

another side-story was that my brother and i were asked to be pallbearers (one who carries the casket - directly to the cemetery or to and from the hearse). i wasn't surprised because when my grandfather had passed away several years ago, he had asked all of his grandchildren to be pallbearers - so i had assumed that this was the case this time. this was clearly not the case this time - it was in fact only men (my brother, my male cousins and my uncles). i'm unsure if the pallbearer is a traditionally male role. i was actually very surprised - i certainly hit the ground running with my family. this is true validation for my transition from my family.

so, that's that for now.

peace.

small victories and updates

today, in the mail, i received my undergraduate diploma....with the correct name on it (granted i graduated over two years ago)! i'm looking at it now, having a hard time believing it was that easy to have my request fulfilled. i had a lot of trouble with the registrar's office in the past with my name change. at first they wouldn't change it and gave me some phony excuse and then when i persisted they said a "glitch" had changed my name in their system...go figure. so when i had sent out my paperwork to request a duplicate diploma, i was a bit nervous about receiving a diploma with my old name on it. i guess they decided to cooperate this time!

this past friday (november 13) i hit my 1.5 year mark for being on testosterone and i feel great! i haven't been working out as much as i would like to, though it takes little for my muscles to begin to bulk up. friends of mine continue to comment on how skinny i look, though i don't think they realize that my body fat has redistributed giving the illusion that i have lost a lot of weight. i may have lost a few pounds, but nothing significant. my body hair is out of control and continues to take over. my facial hair, however, is taking its sweet time - it is continuing to grow, though just much slower than the rest of my hair.

it has also been about a year (november 4, 2008) since my initial top surgery and about three months since my revision (august 4, 2009). my chest is feeling great and i am slowly beginning to get back into serious workout mode. i am also beginning to get more and more feeling back - though this sensation is quite awkward and sometimes is slightly painful. it is hard to believe that it has been a year and a half and a year since beginning t and having my top surgery. often times it feels like much more time has passed. each day is a new day with lessons, journeys, adventures and i am thankful for every step and every opportunity.

pre-t versus 1.5 years

12 days post-op (initial) versus 1 year post-op (3 months post-op revision)

images of a man

i've been thinking lately about images, ideas, stereotypes of men. the first insight i've noticed is that the image i have of myself in my head is very different from my actual image - the image the public sees. i definitely think looking ambiguous for so long has had a large impact on this image because while i know i look male, i look a lot less male in my head. i can still see pieces of my female self in my face when i look in the mirror - i don't necessarily anticipate never being able to see that person again when i look in the mirror, though i worry that others will see that female side. why all of the worry?! i keep telling myself to have patience, to give myself time to grow and change. it does get frustrating though when i know and feel like a mature man in his mid-twenties, but my body is still playing catch-up.

second insight i've come upon is how this frustration impacts my physical expectations of my own body. when i get frustrated with my body i often day dream about maturing into a tall, muscular, bearded man. while i know that i have some control over my body - being muscular and in shape - there are other things such as my height and my facial hair that i have no control over. it's really just a matter of accepting the things i cannot control. while i am a man, i am not a "typical" man...maybe more like man born from extraordinary circumstances. i am constantly reminding myself that this is the body i was born into and that there is only so much i can change physically - the other changes have to occur upstairs, in my mind.

along with all of this, i do not regret the fact that i was born into a female body (i'll explore the phrase "born into the wrong body" later...). while this body has brought upon many struggles and difficulties, it has also allowed me to experience life in a way that many other people do not get to experience. i have lived in many worlds and spectrums and have been fortunate enough to live and grow from all of these perspectives. i am a collection of perspectives, life experiences, journeys, identities, ideas, perceptions and am intelligent enough to realize how learning from the past, taking from the past, dealing with life as it has been dealt to me, understanding and having an awareness of what i can and cannot control is the only way in my personal journey i can come to a sense of peace.

peace.

why blog?

i recently received a comment from a new reader (thanks!), which helped me remember why i blog. i remember back before i had a blog, i felt incredibly alone and lost. transitioning felt pretty much impossible and mystifying. and then i stumbled upon someone's blog and life and transitioning felt a little lighter and actually possible - here was someone actually taking the steps i wanted to take. i saw that transitioning was possible and life as a trans person was possible. and then things began to fall into place for me and i began my own blog.

why not blog? we are each living incredibly unique journeys - blogging can be a way to celebrate the diversity of each individual's journey. personally, i feel it is important to relate my experiences as a trans person for several reasons:
(1) to inspire within others an awareness and understanding of trans-related experiences
(2) to demystify trans experiences
(3) to "clear up" any stereotypes of trans folks
(4) to let other trans folks know there are more of us out there
(5) to support the trans community
(6) to educate both trans and cis-gender folks
(7) to share resources
(8) to affirm my journey as a positive learning experience(s)
....the list goes on!

so to my readers (a task if you dare!):
-has reading others' blogs been helpful? why or why not?
-what, if anything, have you gotten out of reading a blog?
-why do YOU blog?

peace!