poem i wrote

tug-of-war

the pain i feel in my gut

is only present to remind me

of a history i cannot

change, escape or ignore

it is that one sign

that's left over

screaming in my face

and whispering in my ears

biology, biology, biology

it begs me not to forget

but to embrace

the unimaginable path

i've been led down

and the path i've chosen

i as well beg my body

to submit to the

changes of the current

to meet in middle ground

and reveal an accurate rhythm

between past, present and future

as if the three are armored warriors

battling for righteousness

battling to be visible, to be audible

battling for the sheer sake of battling -

the adrenaline, the destruction and the glory

this is a constant battle

and it is the same battle

fought perpetually

within my mind

within these veins

and within this spirit

a battle which calls into question

the union of history and what is to come

of two unmatched lives

and two unmatched people

somehow fusing

to create one entire and whole being

breathing and being now

trans conference!

there's a conference coming up for anyone in the new england area
transgender lives: the intersection of health and law conference
saturday, april 17
university of connecticut health center, farmington, ct

i'll be facilitating a workshop about public and private identities!
hope to see you there!

peace

update!

i spilled almond milk on my keyboard and now the m, k, i and 8 aren't working. i'm typing this at work so it doesn't take two years to write a blog entry and thus the reason behind my absence! i'm attempting to remedy this situation myself...we'll see how it goes.

anyway, i've begun the 100 push-up challenge! it's a training program to eventually get you to be able to do 100 consecutive push ups! it's tough, though it has been going well. i could do enough push ups when i began the challenge that i started out on week 3. so my training program is a month instead of 6 weeks and now i only have two weeks left. what's nice about it is that you only work out three days a week (an every-other-day kinda thing) and each workout is only about 10 minutes. check it out here: http://hundredpushups.com/

and now for the super exciting news...i'm getting my ovaries out - a laparoscopy it is! i was finally able to get in touch with my doctor, who took a week to do some research of her own. it sounds like she spoke to dr. marci bowers, a surgeon who specializes in ftm and mtf trans surgeries, although she only alluded to a "doctor out in colorado who specializes in trans surgeries...".

i forgot to mention in my original post that her only hesitation initially in taking my ovaries out was the risk for osteoporosis. after doing some research she found that there is a risk for ovarian cancer from long-term exposure to testosterone. she also discovered that pain in other reproductive parts can also be caused by long-term exposure to testosterone. so, she asked me what my thoughts were regarding my choices (depo-lupron or laparoscopy) and i told her i really didn't want to even try to the depo-lupron after reading women's personal accounts of using the drug. she did mention that we could use it very short term as a diagnostic tool - if my pain went away then we'd know it was my ovaries causing the pain, if it didn't relieve my pain, we'd know that it may be the long term exposure of the testosterone causing the pain. i rejected this idea as well. she supported and supports my decision to have surgery, which is scheduled for monday, may 3.

so that's where life is at. i'll try my best to update more!

peace.