i shall be telling this with a sigh...

to my faithful readers...
i am sorry to say that i can no longer continue my blog here for privacy reasons, along with the fact that i no longer have any free time. thanks everyone for reading! keep on keepin' on!

peace,
luke

15 days post-op

i had my post-operative appointment with my surgeon this morning and it went smoothly, as expected. besides the mild-endometriosis she found, she said everything else looks healthy and gave me the okay to begin working out again. i also asked her what everything is in the pictures she took during surgery for me (refer to picture from previous post). in the top left picture: my uterus is in the top left-hand corner and my fallopian tube is running down the far right-hand side of the picture. it's all pretty much the same contents in the other pictures, they are just taken from different angles.

overall, i am feeling well and really looking forward to working out again. i've had a little bit of pain over the past week and fortunately have been off the pain pills.

11 days post-op and some irritation from my band-aids














12 days post-op and what my incisions look like














peace.

ovary and out!

...back again after a long break!

i had my surgery this past monday and everything went smoothly.
removal of the ovaries and fallopian tubes = bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy

my surgeon found mild endometriosis, which is what i figured the culprit of my pain was. i don't really remember what else she said to me as the recovery on monday was quite rough. i think it was a mix of not eating much the day before, the drugs from anesthesia, the morphine in recovery and the percocet i took before leaving the hospital...quite the mix there! i was out of it and nauseous for the rest of the day. i was in the most pain the day of surgery, (not very much compared to top surgery) though couldn't hold anything in my stomach in order to take a pain pill.

i had two amazing nurses over the course of the week who took very good care of me. i've just been taking it easy, trying to get as much sleep as possible and trying to get used to eating again. my pain has been minimal and i am only taking half a percocet in the morning and evening. the only part that is bothersome and uncomfortable is my belly button, where one small vertical incision is (maybe only half an inch long). it's quite an awkward place for an incision because your belly moves every time you do! anyway, i'm feeling pretty good now and unfortunately have to go back to work tomorrow. i was told i could begin exercising a week after surgery, though i am hesitant because of my belly button incision and am probably going to wait another week or until my post-operative appointment on the 18th.

and check out this sweet gift from my surgeon! i really have no idea what anything is!














peace.

poem i wrote

tug-of-war

the pain i feel in my gut

is only present to remind me

of a history i cannot

change, escape or ignore

it is that one sign

that's left over

screaming in my face

and whispering in my ears

biology, biology, biology

it begs me not to forget

but to embrace

the unimaginable path

i've been led down

and the path i've chosen

i as well beg my body

to submit to the

changes of the current

to meet in middle ground

and reveal an accurate rhythm

between past, present and future

as if the three are armored warriors

battling for righteousness

battling to be visible, to be audible

battling for the sheer sake of battling -

the adrenaline, the destruction and the glory

this is a constant battle

and it is the same battle

fought perpetually

within my mind

within these veins

and within this spirit

a battle which calls into question

the union of history and what is to come

of two unmatched lives

and two unmatched people

somehow fusing

to create one entire and whole being

breathing and being now

trans conference!

there's a conference coming up for anyone in the new england area
transgender lives: the intersection of health and law conference
saturday, april 17
university of connecticut health center, farmington, ct

i'll be facilitating a workshop about public and private identities!
hope to see you there!

peace

update!

i spilled almond milk on my keyboard and now the m, k, i and 8 aren't working. i'm typing this at work so it doesn't take two years to write a blog entry and thus the reason behind my absence! i'm attempting to remedy this situation myself...we'll see how it goes.

anyway, i've begun the 100 push-up challenge! it's a training program to eventually get you to be able to do 100 consecutive push ups! it's tough, though it has been going well. i could do enough push ups when i began the challenge that i started out on week 3. so my training program is a month instead of 6 weeks and now i only have two weeks left. what's nice about it is that you only work out three days a week (an every-other-day kinda thing) and each workout is only about 10 minutes. check it out here: http://hundredpushups.com/

and now for the super exciting news...i'm getting my ovaries out - a laparoscopy it is! i was finally able to get in touch with my doctor, who took a week to do some research of her own. it sounds like she spoke to dr. marci bowers, a surgeon who specializes in ftm and mtf trans surgeries, although she only alluded to a "doctor out in colorado who specializes in trans surgeries...".

i forgot to mention in my original post that her only hesitation initially in taking my ovaries out was the risk for osteoporosis. after doing some research she found that there is a risk for ovarian cancer from long-term exposure to testosterone. she also discovered that pain in other reproductive parts can also be caused by long-term exposure to testosterone. so, she asked me what my thoughts were regarding my choices (depo-lupron or laparoscopy) and i told her i really didn't want to even try to the depo-lupron after reading women's personal accounts of using the drug. she did mention that we could use it very short term as a diagnostic tool - if my pain went away then we'd know it was my ovaries causing the pain, if it didn't relieve my pain, we'd know that it may be the long term exposure of the testosterone causing the pain. i rejected this idea as well. she supported and supports my decision to have surgery, which is scheduled for monday, may 3.

so that's where life is at. i'll try my best to update more!

peace.

Depo-Lupron versus Laparoscopy

last week i went to see an obgyn for my pain. her whole office was super friendly and didn't even flinch at the sight of a guy having an appointment with an obgyn. the doctor herself was very friendly and listened to everything i had to say about my pain and my history. she told me that she thinks i have endometriosis and talked briefly about other ftm patients she's seen for the same thing. she basically told me that i have two options to get rid of my pain - this drug called depo-lupron or a laparoscopy to remove my ovaries.

depo-lupron is a hormonal agent that significantly reduces estrogen levels and is normally used in women with endometriosis. i have done some research on the drug to weigh its pros and cons.

pros
-my pain would most likely be reduced
-potential for body & facial hair to grow in faster
-take the drug for a brief period (about 6 months)

cons
-nausea/vomiting
-fluid retention
-weight gain
-joint pain
-loss of libido
-depression/anger
-dizziness
-nervousness

laparoscopic surgery is surgery performed with a laparoscope (a very small tube with a light and a camera lens) to examine organs, check for abnormalities or perform minimally invasive surgeries. i have done some research on this as well to see how it compares to the depo-lupron.

pros
-my pain would most likely be reduced
-if i ever went off hormones i wouldn't have to worry about bleeding
-potential for body & facial hair to grow in faster

cons
-injuries to blood vessels or my bowels during the surgery
-some people have sustained electrical burns unseen by surgeons who are working with electrodes that leak into surrounding tissue
-bodily pain related to the gas introduced into the abdominal cavity during surgery
-risks associated with general anesthesia
-infection
-blood clots
-nerve injury

i read many, many accounts of women who have been on depo-lupron and i am honestly scared by what this drug has done to these women. some of the women mentioned that their pain did go away, though all of them mentioned how horrific the side effects were and how this drug basically made them crazy for a period of time. reading these accounts makes me very hesitant to go on this drug, especially since i prefer not to put drugs into my body. my doctor is supposed to call me this week and we're going to discuss these options together and decide the best route for me. i'll keep my blog updated as things progress.

peace.

you're having ovarian pain, lucas?

a receptionist asked me this question the other day over the phone and it just sounded hysterical to me. who knows what she thought - though she was very kind and professional. i was a bit surprised i didn't get a "huh, i don't understand how you, a male, could be having ovarian pain...?"

to back it up a bit, i've been having terrible pain in my ovaries, uterus, etcetera, etcetera, since this summer and it has been getting increasingly worse. i stopped menstruating after about 4 or 5 months on testosterone if i remember correctly, though even when i did menstruate it was completely terrible (and not solely based on the fact that it was just happening). i would be in agony, laid out on the couch for several days, barfing, couldn't eat, the whole nine yards. now, it's pretty much the same minus the bleeding and more pain throughout the month.

i spoke to my gp about it a while back and we talked about the pain. she told me if i was still having pain in a month to come back. a month later, still in pain, so i scheduled an ultrasound. i'm fairly positive i was supposed to have an internal and external ultrasound, though i think someone along the way was like "wtf, this dude is supposed to have an internal ultrasound...?!" and canceled it. so i had the external ultrasound done - i was a bit nervous because i thought i was having the internal and that's just no fun at all. here's the exchange the technician doing the ultrasound and myself had:

tech: so you're having pain in your abdomen?
me: yup
tech: well, this should be straight forward since you're a guy
me: (long pause)....actually i'm transgender
tech: oh okay (looks over at me, long pause), hmmmm
me: yea

i definitely caught the technician off guard! he was surprised, though continued to act in a professional manner. the ultrasound came out normal, which is good though i cannot ignore the fact that i'm still in pain. i didn't bother to make a follow up with my gp because she would just tell me to go see an obgyn or some specialist - there's not much she can tell me to begin with. so i took it the task upon myself and made an appointment with a trans-friendly obgyn. i have no idea how this will be charged to my insurance company or what chaos will ensue as a result of me, marked with a big fat M for male with my insurance policy, going to an obgyn. i'm just going to deal with it as it comes because i'm not going to sit around and do nothing about this pain.

essentially it would be nice to have a hysterectomy, oophorectomy and whatever other -ectomies they can do down there. obviously something in said region is causing my pain, i don't need the parts (i have no intention whatsoever of attempting to birth my own children) and really who wants to worry about potentially bleeding if for some completely horrid reason i have to go off of or do not have access to t? i don't...did i mention i'm in pain...

peace.

my partner in crime

one piece of transitioning that gave me a lot anxiety was dating. i began my social and medical transition single and remained so for about the next year and a half. i am glad i remained single during that time because it allowed me to focus my energy on myself during a time of great change. when i thought about dating and even when i felt ready to date again i was nervous about how my trans identity would influence dating. how and when would i come out to the person? how would they react? would it even matter to them? would i be dumped on account of my trans identity? dating then felt like quite an overwhelming task.

i met my partner, who i've been dating for the past (almost) 5 months, back in august. she actually accidentally (in a way) found out about my trans identity - someone slipped up in a conversation and someone later clarified. she knew of my trans identity even before we began dating and it's never really mattered to her - she sees me for me. i feel incredibly lucky to have found someone who is just so open and non-judgmental. with that said, things have been great and it's been invigorating to be in a close and meaningful relationship again.

we actually had an interesting discussion the other night and she said something that i hadn't expected her to say - she said that she doesn't see me as a trans person. she met me as a male and sees me that way. and moreover she sees me for the person i am on the inside. i can understand her perspective - i know that when i meet medically transitioned trans people it's difficult to picture them as the opposite sex because all you're presented with is that person's present self.

she has actually told her family that i'm trans and none of them seem to have any problems with it - thanks nor. cal. hippies! i really appreciate that i can be open with her and out to her family. i think it would be difficult for me if i were dating someone who had issues with me being trans (not that i think i would or could date someone like that...) or someone who had issues with me being open about my trans status.

so that's that for now.
peace.

the codes of gender

i found this documentary on mediaed.org and thought i would share it - you can watch the entire video in "preview" mode. it talks mostly about masculinity and femininity and how these are perceived by the public through advertising and the media - basically how stereotypical gender roles are perpetuated through advertising and the media. the doc certainly wasn't something new - but definitely something worth hearing again (and again and again). check it out.
the codes of gender

peace!