this and that

before i forget...an interesting article about MTFs in Mexico: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/07/weekinreview/07lacey.html?_r=1

i thought i would do a little update since i haven't in a while....
today is my 5 week anniversary since my top surgery. my right side is all healed and looks great - i've been using maderma and palmer's therapy oil on my chest two to three times a day to help with the scarring and scar tissue. my left side is looking better, though it appears that somehow half of my nipple graft has died - there's a mass of black tissue hanging that looks like it will fall off any day now. i'm waiting to see how it will heal and it will take some time. while i'm not happy with how the left side has healed, i know there's nothing i can do about it right now other than let my body heal. i know eventually, possibly after a revision, my chest will look the way i want it to...just some time and patience. i will post pictures of my chest today on my website.

oh yea and i'm coming up on 7 months being on testosterone this saturday. i think the biggest change this past month has been HAIR. my facial hair is growing in faster and i now have to shave my face twice a week. my happy trail is definitely visible now and the rest of my body hair continues to grow also. i'll do a more detailed update on my site soon, but really the biggest change has been the hair.

so i sent my coming out letters to most of my extended family (not my grandmas) last week and my parents decided together that a phone call would be less of a surprise than a letter (...i'm still trying to figure this one out). so i'm out! from what my parents said about their conversations, everyone sounded for the most part supportive - of course i have yet to speak to any of those people about this. i did receive an e-mail from one of my aunts, which was supportive and caring. i know it'll take everyone time to be comfortable and to understand this and i'm willing to give them all the time they need. i'm just happy to have this off of my shoulders.

i'm going home in a few weeks to spend time with my family for the holidays. i really want to go home to just relax and spend time with the people i love, especially since i haven't seen them in four plus months. but the more i think about going home, the more i think i don't really want to go home. my grandma is going to be there and i'm not out to her and i'm just concerned that my time home will be awkward and uncomfortable for me (and i guess in some ways i expect this). i don't things will be uncomfortable with my gram, she's awesome, we always just have fun together - but since she doesn't know everyone will have to use my old name and female pronouns and THAT will definitely be awkward. and i know it'll feel like i'm hiding something from my gram, because i am....i guess i just hate censoring myself, especially when it is something as essential as one's identity. it's stifling and i know in some ways will put me on edge. i'm just hoping that i can find some type of middle ground when i'm home where i can feel somewhat comfortable.

peace.