trans conference!

there's a conference coming up for anyone in the new england area
transgender lives: the intersection of health and law conference
saturday, april 17
university of connecticut health center, farmington, ct

i'll be facilitating a workshop about public and private identities!
hope to see you there!

peace

update!

i spilled almond milk on my keyboard and now the m, k, i and 8 aren't working. i'm typing this at work so it doesn't take two years to write a blog entry and thus the reason behind my absence! i'm attempting to remedy this situation myself...we'll see how it goes.

anyway, i've begun the 100 push-up challenge! it's a training program to eventually get you to be able to do 100 consecutive push ups! it's tough, though it has been going well. i could do enough push ups when i began the challenge that i started out on week 3. so my training program is a month instead of 6 weeks and now i only have two weeks left. what's nice about it is that you only work out three days a week (an every-other-day kinda thing) and each workout is only about 10 minutes. check it out here: http://hundredpushups.com/

and now for the super exciting news...i'm getting my ovaries out - a laparoscopy it is! i was finally able to get in touch with my doctor, who took a week to do some research of her own. it sounds like she spoke to dr. marci bowers, a surgeon who specializes in ftm and mtf trans surgeries, although she only alluded to a "doctor out in colorado who specializes in trans surgeries...".

i forgot to mention in my original post that her only hesitation initially in taking my ovaries out was the risk for osteoporosis. after doing some research she found that there is a risk for ovarian cancer from long-term exposure to testosterone. she also discovered that pain in other reproductive parts can also be caused by long-term exposure to testosterone. so, she asked me what my thoughts were regarding my choices (depo-lupron or laparoscopy) and i told her i really didn't want to even try to the depo-lupron after reading women's personal accounts of using the drug. she did mention that we could use it very short term as a diagnostic tool - if my pain went away then we'd know it was my ovaries causing the pain, if it didn't relieve my pain, we'd know that it may be the long term exposure of the testosterone causing the pain. i rejected this idea as well. she supported and supports my decision to have surgery, which is scheduled for monday, may 3.

so that's where life is at. i'll try my best to update more!

peace.

Depo-Lupron versus Laparoscopy

last week i went to see an obgyn for my pain. her whole office was super friendly and didn't even flinch at the sight of a guy having an appointment with an obgyn. the doctor herself was very friendly and listened to everything i had to say about my pain and my history. she told me that she thinks i have endometriosis and talked briefly about other ftm patients she's seen for the same thing. she basically told me that i have two options to get rid of my pain - this drug called depo-lupron or a laparoscopy to remove my ovaries.

depo-lupron is a hormonal agent that significantly reduces estrogen levels and is normally used in women with endometriosis. i have done some research on the drug to weigh its pros and cons.

pros
-my pain would most likely be reduced
-potential for body & facial hair to grow in faster
-take the drug for a brief period (about 6 months)

cons
-nausea/vomiting
-fluid retention
-weight gain
-joint pain
-loss of libido
-depression/anger
-dizziness
-nervousness

laparoscopic surgery is surgery performed with a laparoscope (a very small tube with a light and a camera lens) to examine organs, check for abnormalities or perform minimally invasive surgeries. i have done some research on this as well to see how it compares to the depo-lupron.

pros
-my pain would most likely be reduced
-if i ever went off hormones i wouldn't have to worry about bleeding
-potential for body & facial hair to grow in faster

cons
-injuries to blood vessels or my bowels during the surgery
-some people have sustained electrical burns unseen by surgeons who are working with electrodes that leak into surrounding tissue
-bodily pain related to the gas introduced into the abdominal cavity during surgery
-risks associated with general anesthesia
-infection
-blood clots
-nerve injury

i read many, many accounts of women who have been on depo-lupron and i am honestly scared by what this drug has done to these women. some of the women mentioned that their pain did go away, though all of them mentioned how horrific the side effects were and how this drug basically made them crazy for a period of time. reading these accounts makes me very hesitant to go on this drug, especially since i prefer not to put drugs into my body. my doctor is supposed to call me this week and we're going to discuss these options together and decide the best route for me. i'll keep my blog updated as things progress.

peace.

you're having ovarian pain, lucas?

a receptionist asked me this question the other day over the phone and it just sounded hysterical to me. who knows what she thought - though she was very kind and professional. i was a bit surprised i didn't get a "huh, i don't understand how you, a male, could be having ovarian pain...?"

to back it up a bit, i've been having terrible pain in my ovaries, uterus, etcetera, etcetera, since this summer and it has been getting increasingly worse. i stopped menstruating after about 4 or 5 months on testosterone if i remember correctly, though even when i did menstruate it was completely terrible (and not solely based on the fact that it was just happening). i would be in agony, laid out on the couch for several days, barfing, couldn't eat, the whole nine yards. now, it's pretty much the same minus the bleeding and more pain throughout the month.

i spoke to my gp about it a while back and we talked about the pain. she told me if i was still having pain in a month to come back. a month later, still in pain, so i scheduled an ultrasound. i'm fairly positive i was supposed to have an internal and external ultrasound, though i think someone along the way was like "wtf, this dude is supposed to have an internal ultrasound...?!" and canceled it. so i had the external ultrasound done - i was a bit nervous because i thought i was having the internal and that's just no fun at all. here's the exchange the technician doing the ultrasound and myself had:

tech: so you're having pain in your abdomen?
me: yup
tech: well, this should be straight forward since you're a guy
me: (long pause)....actually i'm transgender
tech: oh okay (looks over at me, long pause), hmmmm
me: yea

i definitely caught the technician off guard! he was surprised, though continued to act in a professional manner. the ultrasound came out normal, which is good though i cannot ignore the fact that i'm still in pain. i didn't bother to make a follow up with my gp because she would just tell me to go see an obgyn or some specialist - there's not much she can tell me to begin with. so i took it the task upon myself and made an appointment with a trans-friendly obgyn. i have no idea how this will be charged to my insurance company or what chaos will ensue as a result of me, marked with a big fat M for male with my insurance policy, going to an obgyn. i'm just going to deal with it as it comes because i'm not going to sit around and do nothing about this pain.

essentially it would be nice to have a hysterectomy, oophorectomy and whatever other -ectomies they can do down there. obviously something in said region is causing my pain, i don't need the parts (i have no intention whatsoever of attempting to birth my own children) and really who wants to worry about potentially bleeding if for some completely horrid reason i have to go off of or do not have access to t? i don't...did i mention i'm in pain...

peace.

my partner in crime

one piece of transitioning that gave me a lot anxiety was dating. i began my social and medical transition single and remained so for about the next year and a half. i am glad i remained single during that time because it allowed me to focus my energy on myself during a time of great change. when i thought about dating and even when i felt ready to date again i was nervous about how my trans identity would influence dating. how and when would i come out to the person? how would they react? would it even matter to them? would i be dumped on account of my trans identity? dating then felt like quite an overwhelming task.

i met my partner, who i've been dating for the past (almost) 5 months, back in august. she actually accidentally (in a way) found out about my trans identity - someone slipped up in a conversation and someone later clarified. she knew of my trans identity even before we began dating and it's never really mattered to her - she sees me for me. i feel incredibly lucky to have found someone who is just so open and non-judgmental. with that said, things have been great and it's been invigorating to be in a close and meaningful relationship again.

we actually had an interesting discussion the other night and she said something that i hadn't expected her to say - she said that she doesn't see me as a trans person. she met me as a male and sees me that way. and moreover she sees me for the person i am on the inside. i can understand her perspective - i know that when i meet medically transitioned trans people it's difficult to picture them as the opposite sex because all you're presented with is that person's present self.

she has actually told her family that i'm trans and none of them seem to have any problems with it - thanks nor. cal. hippies! i really appreciate that i can be open with her and out to her family. i think it would be difficult for me if i were dating someone who had issues with me being trans (not that i think i would or could date someone like that...) or someone who had issues with me being open about my trans status.

so that's that for now.
peace.

the codes of gender

i found this documentary on mediaed.org and thought i would share it - you can watch the entire video in "preview" mode. it talks mostly about masculinity and femininity and how these are perceived by the public through advertising and the media - basically how stereotypical gender roles are perpetuated through advertising and the media. the doc certainly wasn't something new - but definitely something worth hearing again (and again and again). check it out.
the codes of gender

peace!

ketchup

this post actually has nothing to do with ketchup, more so with the task of catching my readers up. it's been a while since i've last written - my apologies, my life has seemed more chaotic in the past month than it has been in a while. i was sick with a bad flu for about two weeks and still feel like i haven't fully gained my strength back. right after my flu symptoms subsided, my grandmother passed away quite suddenly. i wasn't very close to her for most of my life, though after coming out to her this summer, i was able to reconnect with her. we corresponded via snail mail for about four months before her passing. while i feel saddened by her passing, i feel joy in the fact that i listened to myself, came out to her and thus was able to reconnect with her. for me it has been amazing to have my two grandmothers react so incredibly well to my coming out - they have reacted better than anyone in my family, even my immediate family. while the understanding of my situation may not be there, i know that both of my grandmothers still love/loved me for me.

i was quite anxious about attending my grandmother's funeral because i had not seen my father's side of the family since coming out to then. on top of this i only heard from one cousin when i did come out to then last november, so i was unsure of how my family would act towards me. upon arriving at the funeral home my brother and i met one of my dad's cousins in the parking lot. she remembered my brother right away, but of course not me. so i introduced myself and her response was: "i'm sorry i don't understand the connection...". she walked away very confused. when we entered the funeral home she came up to us and stated again that she was confused and didn't understand the connection, whereupon my aunt came up and said: "this is lucas [last name], nathan's brother and larry's son, he was formally [female name]...". this woman, my dad's cousin, actually reacted very well - like this was a fact, like that was that and there was nothing more to it, nothing to dispute, nothing to think badly of. i was really surprised my aunt had advocated for me - i really had no idea what to say to my dad's cousin, i've never encountered such a direct situation before! afterwards, my aunt starting crying and apologized she never responded to my coming out letter - she said she didn't know what to say. she continued that my grandmother had actually yelled at her for not saying anything to me! and then she welcomed me to the family. i was shocked that she had actually said something to me and that my grandmother had yelled at her! what an amazing grandmother! i suppose death puts many things in perspective.

an amusing side-story to this whole story was that my brother and i stayed together at my other grandmother's apartment during the funeral. i suppose no one ever bothered to show my brother how to tie a tie (really dad?!). so i, the younger brother, the brother who just learned how to tie a tie two years ago, was the one who tied my brother's tie the entire time! i asked my dad about this (as my brother is almost 30!) and he chalked it up to bad motor skills - highly doubtful! i attempted to teach him how to do it himself, but time constraints required me to actually tie it for him.

another side-story was that my brother and i were asked to be pallbearers (one who carries the casket - directly to the cemetery or to and from the hearse). i wasn't surprised because when my grandfather had passed away several years ago, he had asked all of his grandchildren to be pallbearers - so i had assumed that this was the case this time. this was clearly not the case this time - it was in fact only men (my brother, my male cousins and my uncles). i'm unsure if the pallbearer is a traditionally male role. i was actually very surprised - i certainly hit the ground running with my family. this is true validation for my transition from my family.

so, that's that for now.

peace.