censorship

so my name change is getting published in the syracuse post standard TOMORROW!...which means it's legal....TOMORROW. now all i have to do is change my name on everything else and i am set.

i'm supposed to go to a graduation party the end of june and some family friends are going to be there who i am not out to. my friend and her mother - the people who are throwing the party - suggested that i come out the the family friends who are going to be there. i hadn't even thought of that and didn't know they were going to be there. they were/are concerned about me being comfortable there - how amazing are they? so i thought it would be considerate of me to talk to my mother about this, since she seems to be the most uncomfortable with "the gender thing"(as she likes to refer to my trans identity as). i told my mother i couldn't go to the party without coming out to our friends and that if it made her that uncomfortable that i wouldn't go to the party (however would still come out to them). she wondered if this was the right time and if it would make everyone else uncomfortable and that she would have to "think about it". i began to wonder why i had even called her in the first place because i plan on coming out to them, i guess i just wanted to give her a heads up, but she took it more like me looking for approval. she told me this was difficult for her, asked if i was sure if "it is really a gender thing"
and asked if i'm still seeing my therapist (who i think she blames in the back of her head for me continuing with my transition). i replied that it's difficult for me to continually censor myself in front of family friends, that i couldn't do it anymore and that i am coming out to our friends regardless. i didn't even bother to reply to the "is it really a gender thing" question...i don't even want to know what "it" is referring to. i told her to talk to my friend's mom about this because things are better left said than being swept under the carpet. my mom lives in stealth mode and never likes to tell anyone what's going on, not even her own sister. so i fear that she won't even talk to my friend's mom. i'm hoping to send these family friends an e-mail sooner than later so they can know what's going on with me and have time to think about things before, hopefully, i go to the party.

oh yea, today is my one-month T anniversary - yay.

peace,
lucas

finally!

just received word from the court this morning - the court approved my name change! i still have to post something in the newspaper and change my name with ALL of my other ids, but i'm on my way. i'm super excited. i'm on my way out so i will post more later.

PEACE

almost a month

i came home for a few days to see my grandma, who is visiting from pittsburgh. it's difficult to be home because there is so much censoring of my identity. my mom definitely did not want me to say anything to my grandma. i don't even know how she'd react, i'm not so sure she'd even understand. she asked me why my hair is so short and then if all the girls cut their hair short. i told her i cut it short because i like it that way. she didn't say anything else. i think i overheard my mom using male pronouns, maybe a few times, which is amazing and calling me a boy. my brother even called me his brother. progress, slowly but hopefully surely.

it's almost been a month since i've been on T, this coming tuesday will be a month (well how many weeks in a month, 4 or 5?). regardless, i will have been on T for 4 weeks this coming tuesday. so other changes i've noticed, other than the ones i've mentioned before:
-i think i'm gaining more muscle in my arms
-looks like my legs are getting hairier or the hair is getting darker
-my energy continues to increase, along with my libido
-my voice sounds different off and on
-mary claims that my ears look more "manly"
-my facial hair is growing in faster and feels more coarse

still no word on the name change, although i did only send my documents in a week ago. if i get denied again on the basis of "traditional female and male" names and evading my true identity, i'm going to find a lawyer. so we shall see.

i'm in the process of creating my own website, so i can go into further detail about my transition (pictures, voice clips, more information, resources...), stay tuned for the address.

peace,
lucas

civil liberties...

finally sent out some documents to the court about my name change. my therapist was nice enough to write a letter, my doctor wrote one (i think), but i couldn't wait any longer for it because i have a limited amount of time to respond. here's the letter i wrote:

To Whom It May Concern: 

I received a letter dated the 16th of May stating that the court was unable to conclude that the purpose of my name change is not fraudulent, deceitful or being done to evade or confuse my true identity. I would like to report to the court that I am transgendered; I was born female, but I am now identifying as male. I see this name change as an essential part of making my transition from female to male. Since I feel and have always felt male, I do not see this name change in way to be fraudulent, deceitful or being done to evade or confuse my true identity. I am currently seeing a therapist (Joyce A. Sullivan, MA, LADAC) to make my transition as smooth as possible, and a physician for hormone treatment (John H. Turco, MD). I have included a letter from my therapist to further support my name change application. If you need any more information or have questions, please do not hesitate to contact me: (my phone number). 

_______

so i sent that out this morning, should be in syracuse by tomorrow, which is before the 20 day deadline. i'm not sure what will happen, but i am hoping that this is what they're looking for and i can continue forward with this process. i think if i get another denial letter, i am going to look into getting a lawyer. 

moving out this weekend and eventually into my new apartment. it'll be good to have my own place, i'm definitely feeling the need for privacy. i think having privacy will be good as i continue my transition. going home next week - not necessarily looking forward to that, but i'll get to see my grandma. my mom thought i'd already have facial hair in a month, like a beard, and was worried about me visiting with my grandma. i laughed and told her to take a look at the resources i had given her. 

peace,

luke

thanks

dudes-

just wanted to say thanks to all of you who have been helping me the past few days with trying to figure out what to do about my name change. your help and support is much appreciated. i am going to make some calls tomorrow to my endocrinologist and my therapist and see if they can write something up for me. updates to come.

peace,

lucas

balls...

i've been on T for 10 days so far - here are some changes i've noticed:

-more energy (not sure if it's from adrenaline from being so excited about starting)

-urine smells different

-voice sounded different very briefly one day

-i feel "different", don't really know how, but it's positive 

-increased sex drive (!)

*name change update*

i received a letter in the mail today from the judge:

i am in receipt of and have reviewed your application to change your name. according to new york state law, you have a right to assume any name that you choose so long as you are not doing so for fraudulent or deceitful purposes, to evade responsibility, to avoid an obligation, or to interfere with the rights of others.

upon reviewing your application, it is apparent that you are trying to change your name from a traditionally female name ("nicole") to a traditionally male name ("lucas"). the application before me provides no reason for the change and thus, i am unable to conclude that your purpose is not fraudulent, deceitful or being done to evade or confuse your true identity. it is your burden of proof to convince me otherwise.

if you wish to submit any additional information to me in support of your application, please do so within the next twenty (20) days or your application shall be deemed denied.

_______

i am angry. this is a clear case of discrimination and a conservation judge. i've been scrambling around this afternoon, e-mailing, calling, trying to figure out what to do. if i wish to send something "in support of my application" i need to do so by this tuesday. anyone have any ideas?

peace,

luke

updates...

it's felt like a century between this tuesday and last tuesday. i'll be giving myself my second injection of testosterone tomorrow - really looking forward it. i'm going to try to record it visually on my computer and post it on the blog. 

i told my parents yesterday about me starting t. i was worried at first because i really only said anything to my mom a while back about seeing an endocrinologist. my dad was cool with it, didn't say much - just asked how i was paying for it (insurance!) and what changes would happen. my mom didn't sound too pleased, she's definitely having a rough time. she asked a lot of questions about what would happen once on t. she was concerned that i'd look completely different in 2 weeks when i'm supposed to see my grandma. but then she said something cool: "is this something you're happy about?" of course i replied yes and i think she was a little relieved. though she ended the conversation with "are you sure you know what you're doing...?" she's taking baby steps, but i know she'll come around. i'm really glad i told them because it was hanging over my head. i didn't want to be on t for a while and then let me know (after changes have really occurred). i want to be open about this process with them.

today i gave a "trans 101" presentation for my colleagues here at SIT. i sent out an e-mail asking if people were interested and a lot of people replied. i decided it was important to do it because there is so much unknown about the trans community by "outsiders". the overall goals of my presentation was for the participants to gain awareness on the trans community and have resources available to them (i made a hand out). i think about 45 people showed up - i was so surprised - i really didn't expect that many people. i covered a little bit of everything- terms, nurture vs. nature, transitioning, complexities, etiquette and how to be an ally. everyone seemed to be really responsive and enthusiastic about learning. i hope everyone was able to take away something. 

peace,

luke