i shall be telling this with a sigh...

to my faithful readers...
i am sorry to say that i can no longer continue my blog here for privacy reasons, along with the fact that i no longer have any free time. thanks everyone for reading! keep on keepin' on!

peace,
luke

15 days post-op

i had my post-operative appointment with my surgeon this morning and it went smoothly, as expected. besides the mild-endometriosis she found, she said everything else looks healthy and gave me the okay to begin working out again. i also asked her what everything is in the pictures she took during surgery for me (refer to picture from previous post). in the top left picture: my uterus is in the top left-hand corner and my fallopian tube is running down the far right-hand side of the picture. it's all pretty much the same contents in the other pictures, they are just taken from different angles.

overall, i am feeling well and really looking forward to working out again. i've had a little bit of pain over the past week and fortunately have been off the pain pills.

11 days post-op and some irritation from my band-aids














12 days post-op and what my incisions look like














peace.

ovary and out!

...back again after a long break!

i had my surgery this past monday and everything went smoothly.
removal of the ovaries and fallopian tubes = bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy

my surgeon found mild endometriosis, which is what i figured the culprit of my pain was. i don't really remember what else she said to me as the recovery on monday was quite rough. i think it was a mix of not eating much the day before, the drugs from anesthesia, the morphine in recovery and the percocet i took before leaving the hospital...quite the mix there! i was out of it and nauseous for the rest of the day. i was in the most pain the day of surgery, (not very much compared to top surgery) though couldn't hold anything in my stomach in order to take a pain pill.

i had two amazing nurses over the course of the week who took very good care of me. i've just been taking it easy, trying to get as much sleep as possible and trying to get used to eating again. my pain has been minimal and i am only taking half a percocet in the morning and evening. the only part that is bothersome and uncomfortable is my belly button, where one small vertical incision is (maybe only half an inch long). it's quite an awkward place for an incision because your belly moves every time you do! anyway, i'm feeling pretty good now and unfortunately have to go back to work tomorrow. i was told i could begin exercising a week after surgery, though i am hesitant because of my belly button incision and am probably going to wait another week or until my post-operative appointment on the 18th.

and check out this sweet gift from my surgeon! i really have no idea what anything is!














peace.

poem i wrote

tug-of-war

the pain i feel in my gut

is only present to remind me

of a history i cannot

change, escape or ignore

it is that one sign

that's left over

screaming in my face

and whispering in my ears

biology, biology, biology

it begs me not to forget

but to embrace

the unimaginable path

i've been led down

and the path i've chosen

i as well beg my body

to submit to the

changes of the current

to meet in middle ground

and reveal an accurate rhythm

between past, present and future

as if the three are armored warriors

battling for righteousness

battling to be visible, to be audible

battling for the sheer sake of battling -

the adrenaline, the destruction and the glory

this is a constant battle

and it is the same battle

fought perpetually

within my mind

within these veins

and within this spirit

a battle which calls into question

the union of history and what is to come

of two unmatched lives

and two unmatched people

somehow fusing

to create one entire and whole being

breathing and being now

trans conference!

there's a conference coming up for anyone in the new england area
transgender lives: the intersection of health and law conference
saturday, april 17
university of connecticut health center, farmington, ct

i'll be facilitating a workshop about public and private identities!
hope to see you there!

peace

update!

i spilled almond milk on my keyboard and now the m, k, i and 8 aren't working. i'm typing this at work so it doesn't take two years to write a blog entry and thus the reason behind my absence! i'm attempting to remedy this situation myself...we'll see how it goes.

anyway, i've begun the 100 push-up challenge! it's a training program to eventually get you to be able to do 100 consecutive push ups! it's tough, though it has been going well. i could do enough push ups when i began the challenge that i started out on week 3. so my training program is a month instead of 6 weeks and now i only have two weeks left. what's nice about it is that you only work out three days a week (an every-other-day kinda thing) and each workout is only about 10 minutes. check it out here: http://hundredpushups.com/

and now for the super exciting news...i'm getting my ovaries out - a laparoscopy it is! i was finally able to get in touch with my doctor, who took a week to do some research of her own. it sounds like she spoke to dr. marci bowers, a surgeon who specializes in ftm and mtf trans surgeries, although she only alluded to a "doctor out in colorado who specializes in trans surgeries...".

i forgot to mention in my original post that her only hesitation initially in taking my ovaries out was the risk for osteoporosis. after doing some research she found that there is a risk for ovarian cancer from long-term exposure to testosterone. she also discovered that pain in other reproductive parts can also be caused by long-term exposure to testosterone. so, she asked me what my thoughts were regarding my choices (depo-lupron or laparoscopy) and i told her i really didn't want to even try to the depo-lupron after reading women's personal accounts of using the drug. she did mention that we could use it very short term as a diagnostic tool - if my pain went away then we'd know it was my ovaries causing the pain, if it didn't relieve my pain, we'd know that it may be the long term exposure of the testosterone causing the pain. i rejected this idea as well. she supported and supports my decision to have surgery, which is scheduled for monday, may 3.

so that's where life is at. i'll try my best to update more!

peace.

Depo-Lupron versus Laparoscopy

last week i went to see an obgyn for my pain. her whole office was super friendly and didn't even flinch at the sight of a guy having an appointment with an obgyn. the doctor herself was very friendly and listened to everything i had to say about my pain and my history. she told me that she thinks i have endometriosis and talked briefly about other ftm patients she's seen for the same thing. she basically told me that i have two options to get rid of my pain - this drug called depo-lupron or a laparoscopy to remove my ovaries.

depo-lupron is a hormonal agent that significantly reduces estrogen levels and is normally used in women with endometriosis. i have done some research on the drug to weigh its pros and cons.

pros
-my pain would most likely be reduced
-potential for body & facial hair to grow in faster
-take the drug for a brief period (about 6 months)

cons
-nausea/vomiting
-fluid retention
-weight gain
-joint pain
-loss of libido
-depression/anger
-dizziness
-nervousness

laparoscopic surgery is surgery performed with a laparoscope (a very small tube with a light and a camera lens) to examine organs, check for abnormalities or perform minimally invasive surgeries. i have done some research on this as well to see how it compares to the depo-lupron.

pros
-my pain would most likely be reduced
-if i ever went off hormones i wouldn't have to worry about bleeding
-potential for body & facial hair to grow in faster

cons
-injuries to blood vessels or my bowels during the surgery
-some people have sustained electrical burns unseen by surgeons who are working with electrodes that leak into surrounding tissue
-bodily pain related to the gas introduced into the abdominal cavity during surgery
-risks associated with general anesthesia
-infection
-blood clots
-nerve injury

i read many, many accounts of women who have been on depo-lupron and i am honestly scared by what this drug has done to these women. some of the women mentioned that their pain did go away, though all of them mentioned how horrific the side effects were and how this drug basically made them crazy for a period of time. reading these accounts makes me very hesitant to go on this drug, especially since i prefer not to put drugs into my body. my doctor is supposed to call me this week and we're going to discuss these options together and decide the best route for me. i'll keep my blog updated as things progress.

peace.

you're having ovarian pain, lucas?

a receptionist asked me this question the other day over the phone and it just sounded hysterical to me. who knows what she thought - though she was very kind and professional. i was a bit surprised i didn't get a "huh, i don't understand how you, a male, could be having ovarian pain...?"

to back it up a bit, i've been having terrible pain in my ovaries, uterus, etcetera, etcetera, since this summer and it has been getting increasingly worse. i stopped menstruating after about 4 or 5 months on testosterone if i remember correctly, though even when i did menstruate it was completely terrible (and not solely based on the fact that it was just happening). i would be in agony, laid out on the couch for several days, barfing, couldn't eat, the whole nine yards. now, it's pretty much the same minus the bleeding and more pain throughout the month.

i spoke to my gp about it a while back and we talked about the pain. she told me if i was still having pain in a month to come back. a month later, still in pain, so i scheduled an ultrasound. i'm fairly positive i was supposed to have an internal and external ultrasound, though i think someone along the way was like "wtf, this dude is supposed to have an internal ultrasound...?!" and canceled it. so i had the external ultrasound done - i was a bit nervous because i thought i was having the internal and that's just no fun at all. here's the exchange the technician doing the ultrasound and myself had:

tech: so you're having pain in your abdomen?
me: yup
tech: well, this should be straight forward since you're a guy
me: (long pause)....actually i'm transgender
tech: oh okay (looks over at me, long pause), hmmmm
me: yea

i definitely caught the technician off guard! he was surprised, though continued to act in a professional manner. the ultrasound came out normal, which is good though i cannot ignore the fact that i'm still in pain. i didn't bother to make a follow up with my gp because she would just tell me to go see an obgyn or some specialist - there's not much she can tell me to begin with. so i took it the task upon myself and made an appointment with a trans-friendly obgyn. i have no idea how this will be charged to my insurance company or what chaos will ensue as a result of me, marked with a big fat M for male with my insurance policy, going to an obgyn. i'm just going to deal with it as it comes because i'm not going to sit around and do nothing about this pain.

essentially it would be nice to have a hysterectomy, oophorectomy and whatever other -ectomies they can do down there. obviously something in said region is causing my pain, i don't need the parts (i have no intention whatsoever of attempting to birth my own children) and really who wants to worry about potentially bleeding if for some completely horrid reason i have to go off of or do not have access to t? i don't...did i mention i'm in pain...

peace.

my partner in crime

one piece of transitioning that gave me a lot anxiety was dating. i began my social and medical transition single and remained so for about the next year and a half. i am glad i remained single during that time because it allowed me to focus my energy on myself during a time of great change. when i thought about dating and even when i felt ready to date again i was nervous about how my trans identity would influence dating. how and when would i come out to the person? how would they react? would it even matter to them? would i be dumped on account of my trans identity? dating then felt like quite an overwhelming task.

i met my partner, who i've been dating for the past (almost) 5 months, back in august. she actually accidentally (in a way) found out about my trans identity - someone slipped up in a conversation and someone later clarified. she knew of my trans identity even before we began dating and it's never really mattered to her - she sees me for me. i feel incredibly lucky to have found someone who is just so open and non-judgmental. with that said, things have been great and it's been invigorating to be in a close and meaningful relationship again.

we actually had an interesting discussion the other night and she said something that i hadn't expected her to say - she said that she doesn't see me as a trans person. she met me as a male and sees me that way. and moreover she sees me for the person i am on the inside. i can understand her perspective - i know that when i meet medically transitioned trans people it's difficult to picture them as the opposite sex because all you're presented with is that person's present self.

she has actually told her family that i'm trans and none of them seem to have any problems with it - thanks nor. cal. hippies! i really appreciate that i can be open with her and out to her family. i think it would be difficult for me if i were dating someone who had issues with me being trans (not that i think i would or could date someone like that...) or someone who had issues with me being open about my trans status.

so that's that for now.
peace.

the codes of gender

i found this documentary on mediaed.org and thought i would share it - you can watch the entire video in "preview" mode. it talks mostly about masculinity and femininity and how these are perceived by the public through advertising and the media - basically how stereotypical gender roles are perpetuated through advertising and the media. the doc certainly wasn't something new - but definitely something worth hearing again (and again and again). check it out.
the codes of gender

peace!

ketchup

this post actually has nothing to do with ketchup, more so with the task of catching my readers up. it's been a while since i've last written - my apologies, my life has seemed more chaotic in the past month than it has been in a while. i was sick with a bad flu for about two weeks and still feel like i haven't fully gained my strength back. right after my flu symptoms subsided, my grandmother passed away quite suddenly. i wasn't very close to her for most of my life, though after coming out to her this summer, i was able to reconnect with her. we corresponded via snail mail for about four months before her passing. while i feel saddened by her passing, i feel joy in the fact that i listened to myself, came out to her and thus was able to reconnect with her. for me it has been amazing to have my two grandmothers react so incredibly well to my coming out - they have reacted better than anyone in my family, even my immediate family. while the understanding of my situation may not be there, i know that both of my grandmothers still love/loved me for me.

i was quite anxious about attending my grandmother's funeral because i had not seen my father's side of the family since coming out to then. on top of this i only heard from one cousin when i did come out to then last november, so i was unsure of how my family would act towards me. upon arriving at the funeral home my brother and i met one of my dad's cousins in the parking lot. she remembered my brother right away, but of course not me. so i introduced myself and her response was: "i'm sorry i don't understand the connection...". she walked away very confused. when we entered the funeral home she came up to us and stated again that she was confused and didn't understand the connection, whereupon my aunt came up and said: "this is lucas [last name], nathan's brother and larry's son, he was formally [female name]...". this woman, my dad's cousin, actually reacted very well - like this was a fact, like that was that and there was nothing more to it, nothing to dispute, nothing to think badly of. i was really surprised my aunt had advocated for me - i really had no idea what to say to my dad's cousin, i've never encountered such a direct situation before! afterwards, my aunt starting crying and apologized she never responded to my coming out letter - she said she didn't know what to say. she continued that my grandmother had actually yelled at her for not saying anything to me! and then she welcomed me to the family. i was shocked that she had actually said something to me and that my grandmother had yelled at her! what an amazing grandmother! i suppose death puts many things in perspective.

an amusing side-story to this whole story was that my brother and i stayed together at my other grandmother's apartment during the funeral. i suppose no one ever bothered to show my brother how to tie a tie (really dad?!). so i, the younger brother, the brother who just learned how to tie a tie two years ago, was the one who tied my brother's tie the entire time! i asked my dad about this (as my brother is almost 30!) and he chalked it up to bad motor skills - highly doubtful! i attempted to teach him how to do it himself, but time constraints required me to actually tie it for him.

another side-story was that my brother and i were asked to be pallbearers (one who carries the casket - directly to the cemetery or to and from the hearse). i wasn't surprised because when my grandfather had passed away several years ago, he had asked all of his grandchildren to be pallbearers - so i had assumed that this was the case this time. this was clearly not the case this time - it was in fact only men (my brother, my male cousins and my uncles). i'm unsure if the pallbearer is a traditionally male role. i was actually very surprised - i certainly hit the ground running with my family. this is true validation for my transition from my family.

so, that's that for now.

peace.

small victories and updates

today, in the mail, i received my undergraduate diploma....with the correct name on it (granted i graduated over two years ago)! i'm looking at it now, having a hard time believing it was that easy to have my request fulfilled. i had a lot of trouble with the registrar's office in the past with my name change. at first they wouldn't change it and gave me some phony excuse and then when i persisted they said a "glitch" had changed my name in their system...go figure. so when i had sent out my paperwork to request a duplicate diploma, i was a bit nervous about receiving a diploma with my old name on it. i guess they decided to cooperate this time!

this past friday (november 13) i hit my 1.5 year mark for being on testosterone and i feel great! i haven't been working out as much as i would like to, though it takes little for my muscles to begin to bulk up. friends of mine continue to comment on how skinny i look, though i don't think they realize that my body fat has redistributed giving the illusion that i have lost a lot of weight. i may have lost a few pounds, but nothing significant. my body hair is out of control and continues to take over. my facial hair, however, is taking its sweet time - it is continuing to grow, though just much slower than the rest of my hair.

it has also been about a year (november 4, 2008) since my initial top surgery and about three months since my revision (august 4, 2009). my chest is feeling great and i am slowly beginning to get back into serious workout mode. i am also beginning to get more and more feeling back - though this sensation is quite awkward and sometimes is slightly painful. it is hard to believe that it has been a year and a half and a year since beginning t and having my top surgery. often times it feels like much more time has passed. each day is a new day with lessons, journeys, adventures and i am thankful for every step and every opportunity.

pre-t versus 1.5 years

12 days post-op (initial) versus 1 year post-op (3 months post-op revision)

images of a man

i've been thinking lately about images, ideas, stereotypes of men. the first insight i've noticed is that the image i have of myself in my head is very different from my actual image - the image the public sees. i definitely think looking ambiguous for so long has had a large impact on this image because while i know i look male, i look a lot less male in my head. i can still see pieces of my female self in my face when i look in the mirror - i don't necessarily anticipate never being able to see that person again when i look in the mirror, though i worry that others will see that female side. why all of the worry?! i keep telling myself to have patience, to give myself time to grow and change. it does get frustrating though when i know and feel like a mature man in his mid-twenties, but my body is still playing catch-up.

second insight i've come upon is how this frustration impacts my physical expectations of my own body. when i get frustrated with my body i often day dream about maturing into a tall, muscular, bearded man. while i know that i have some control over my body - being muscular and in shape - there are other things such as my height and my facial hair that i have no control over. it's really just a matter of accepting the things i cannot control. while i am a man, i am not a "typical" man...maybe more like man born from extraordinary circumstances. i am constantly reminding myself that this is the body i was born into and that there is only so much i can change physically - the other changes have to occur upstairs, in my mind.

along with all of this, i do not regret the fact that i was born into a female body (i'll explore the phrase "born into the wrong body" later...). while this body has brought upon many struggles and difficulties, it has also allowed me to experience life in a way that many other people do not get to experience. i have lived in many worlds and spectrums and have been fortunate enough to live and grow from all of these perspectives. i am a collection of perspectives, life experiences, journeys, identities, ideas, perceptions and am intelligent enough to realize how learning from the past, taking from the past, dealing with life as it has been dealt to me, understanding and having an awareness of what i can and cannot control is the only way in my personal journey i can come to a sense of peace.

peace.

why blog?

i recently received a comment from a new reader (thanks!), which helped me remember why i blog. i remember back before i had a blog, i felt incredibly alone and lost. transitioning felt pretty much impossible and mystifying. and then i stumbled upon someone's blog and life and transitioning felt a little lighter and actually possible - here was someone actually taking the steps i wanted to take. i saw that transitioning was possible and life as a trans person was possible. and then things began to fall into place for me and i began my own blog.

why not blog? we are each living incredibly unique journeys - blogging can be a way to celebrate the diversity of each individual's journey. personally, i feel it is important to relate my experiences as a trans person for several reasons:
(1) to inspire within others an awareness and understanding of trans-related experiences
(2) to demystify trans experiences
(3) to "clear up" any stereotypes of trans folks
(4) to let other trans folks know there are more of us out there
(5) to support the trans community
(6) to educate both trans and cis-gender folks
(7) to share resources
(8) to affirm my journey as a positive learning experience(s)
....the list goes on!

so to my readers (a task if you dare!):
-has reading others' blogs been helpful? why or why not?
-what, if anything, have you gotten out of reading a blog?
-why do YOU blog?

peace!

work experiences

...several things to comment on here in regards to my new position...
some of the materials i received at orientation were trans-friendly including: a youth survey where one could choose trans as a sex instead of male or female, the americorps handbook and some other americorps paper work where gender expression and identity were areas where one could not be discriminated against. i was very happy to see all of this.

i've noticed that a large, large, large percentage of the women who work for the agency i work for are gay/bi/queer. i feel at ease working with a more queer population. i figured that if anyone i work with were to accept me as a transman it would be these people...so i decided to come out to a co-worker. i really thought she and my other co-workers knew that i am trans, but lo and behold, they do not! i think my personal mental image of myself is definitely different from the public's view of me - i still see pieces of my old self. so the co-worker i came out to was really awesome and totally surprised. i'm really glad i decided to come out to her - she was open with me from the very beginning about being gay (that's not to say that i am obligated to come out to her as trans...)...though i don't feel like it's something i need or should hide. i am PROUD to be who i am and all that that encompasses. i grew up being told and seeing by example that being different, in any way, shape or form, was wrong. fuck that - diversity is beautiful, embrace yourself and all that you are.

"life is either a daring adventure or nothing. to keep our faces toward chance and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." -helen keller

peace.

product reviews

since having top surgery, i've used three products that i really like and seem to work very well, so i thought i'd spread the wealth...

-palmers skin therapy oil (with cocoa butter and vitamin e): i found this at target, but had a hard time finding it at any grocery store or drug store. it can be found and purchased online for about $10. i used this all over my chest as both a product to combat my scars and as a massage oil on other areas of my chest. i used this only after my initial surgery for about 4 months - i applied it about 5 times a week and massaged my chest for about 1 hour each time. i used this product in conjunction with scarzone cream, so i cannot necessarily attest to its effectiveness on scars, however as a massage oil it was stellar.

-scarzone cream (with green tea): i also found this product at target, but it can be found at most grocery and drug stores. it can also be found and purchased online for less than $10. i've used this (in conjunction with the palmers skin therapy oil) after both my initial and revision surgeries. i mainly apply this product once a day solely to my scars when i get out of the shower. compared to maderma scar cream, scarzone works way better. it has sunscreen (spf 15) in it which is important for scars healing properly, especially if you're going to be out in the sun. my scars are pretty minimal, so this product definitely gets my approval.

-scargo scar massage skin lotion: i found this at the natural foods store, but i haven't seen it any place else. it can also be found and purchased online for about $10. i've recently purchased this after my revision surgery and have been using it for the past month. i use this about 4-5 times a week and apply it to my scars and massage my chest/scars for about an hour each time. one particular aspect i like about this product is that it has all natural ingredients. i've been using this on my scars and as a massage oil and so far i have nothing to complain about. while my revision surgery wasn't as significant as my initial surgery, i have been healing very nicely.

has anyone else used these products? what are you thoughts on these if you used them? does anyone have any other products to recommend?

peace.

anxiety and frustration

this week was my first week of orientation and training for my service with americorps. all in all the week went well and i'm feeling good about my placement. i was however fairly anxious most of the week with meeting tons of new people. while i know that i am perceived as male now (i cannot remember the last time i was mistaken for a female), i am perceived as a very young looking male, probably a young teenager. being seen as a young teenager has been extremely frustrating the past few months and i'm sure will continue to be. in one of my placement interviews for americorps one of the interviewers told me that i looked like a 12 year-old. while the interviewer did try to say it in a light, joking manner, i didn't really appreciate this. i KNOW that i look like a 12 year-old and honestly it really stinks. it is especially a downer when i'm in groups of people who are around my actual age, like this past week, and people just won't take me seriously, listen to me or even acknowledge me. it's difficult to constantly be fighting against others' perceptions of you and to have to again and again establish yourself as an equal, or just someone that deserves respect.

i feel that if my facial hair were farther along, i might not necessarily have this problem. i know there are older men who probably have about as much facial hair as i do, but the other men i'm working with this year have beards and visible stubble. i'm trying my best to be patient and know that in time i too will have facial hair, even possibly a beard. right now i just have to take life as comes and know that eventually my time will come.

peace.

neighbors

i visited my folks over the long weekend. they had both been asking me for a while to come home to see them since i hadn't really spent time with them since march. i was hesitant at first since my relationship with both of them has dwindled, but thought that a visit might be exactly what was needed. overall the visit was fine and it was good to see them. my grandma was visiting as well and spending time with her is always a plus. grandma got my name right 100% of the time, which is better than my parents and pronouns about 50% of the time, which is just as good as my parents - major props to grams.

i was outside one day while home, getting something from my trunk when two neighbors came walking down the street. i recognized them straight away - they have children around the same ages as my siblings and myself and we all attended school together. i wasn't sure if they recognized me, but the woman said hi to me and when i turned around she said: "oh i thought you were nate [my brother]". my heart was pounding out of my chest! my head was full of questions - what if they recognize me? what if they call me by my old name? do i respond to my old name? do i come out to them? and on and on...i had no idea what to say, so i smiled and simply said "no" and they continued on their walk. i have no idea who they think i am and am curious to know what they were thinking. i was thinking about it later and thought that an amusing response would have been: "i'm nate's long lost twin brother!" i wonder what type of response that would have sparked...?!

does anyone have any similar stories of seeing people you haven't seen since transitioning?

peace.

conferences

for those of you living in the north east (usa) here are two conferences coming up this fall:

translating identities conference
saturday, october 24
university of vermont, burlington, vermont

transcending boundaries conference
friday, november 20 - sunday, november 22
dcu center, worcester, massachusetts


peace.

the evolution of little lefty - the nipple that could (warning - post contains gross images!)

initial surgery date: november 4, 2008
revision surgery date: august 4, 2009

9 days post-operative from initial surgery

2 weeks post-operative from initial surgery

3 weeks post-operative from initial surgery















5 weeks post-operative from initial surgery















8 weeks post-operative from initial surgery















12 weeks post-operative from initial surgery















5 months post-operative from initial surgery















8 months post-operative from initial surgery















1 week post-operative revision















2 weeks post-operative revision















1 month post-operative revision